Acid Reflux: Life & Times of A Poz Guy

Arghhh

2006-10-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, I've got the wordpress back up, and it's set at default, I uploaded new template and put it in the wp_content/themes folder, then go into the controls and switch it in edit themes and nothing happens. I've cleared my cache so I know it's not that.

I see it's going to take awhile to figure this out.

wandering thoughts on a rainy saturday night.

2006-09-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

I’m kicking back trying to work up an appetite and I thought I’d watch the opening two-hour episode of “Intelligence.” I like it and it’s Canadian. It’s nice to see something that is produced in your own country, and enjoy.

For the longest time growing up if someone asked about a show, and you’d say it was very Canadian, an image of a really poor quality, slightly campy homegrown shows like “ The Beachcombers, or Definition” comes to mind. Something that was really Canadian, other than news and documentary, investigative reporting stuff, it was pretty bad.

The show is also set in Vancouver, and it reminds me of hour beautiful it is. I know I said it rains a lot, and I’m not sure if I could live with the grey and rain. But the truth be said it is for other reasons. For the record, I think Vancouver is the most beautiful North American city I have ever been. I lived there for a very short tales-of-the-city-like months when I was 18, hence the city has greatly changed. My last trip there was in 1990.

My brief time there was short, but very intense. There was lots of MDA to be had, and there were still hookers on all the street corners in the West End. A documentary called, “Hookers on Davie” had been released maybe a few years before. It was a very different time.

There was one thing for sure, (this is the stuff I go into detail in the short stories that I have yet to find the concentration to go back to) I immediately fell in love with the city.
It was just the dawn of HIV. You may have heard of someone for being “known” to have it, but it was nothing at the denialist age of 18 thought nothing of it.

It was in Vancouver where I made my true first friend. The kind of friend you could call up at any time of night and day. Even in the worst of times he’d manage to cheer me up just over the phone. It was this friend that died two weeks prior to me being diagnosed.

During this time I was working for our national rail line Via Rail. And yes, there are not many moments of my life when I haven’t been doing something out of the ordinary or included travel. I worked stand-by over that summer.

And what does working stand-by entail? Well the obvious of course. However, it’s not as straight forward as that. Your name is on the list, and as the others go out on trips you move up in order. When you reach a certain point when your name is getting closer to the top, the company calls you to come in and do work such as making up beds in berths while wearing a suit-like uniform in a car that has been sitting idle in 30 degree weather all day.

What you don’t know is when you are going to get yanked to go work on a train. Every time I went to the station, I had to be prepared to be gone for six days. That’s the amount of time it takes to go to Vancouver, have a night off, then come back to Winnipeg.

The morning calls, if anyone was sent out, it would have been Toronto. It was not that often guys or gals got Toronto runs. The one thing I can say is that we hated the Toronto crews because the trains would always come in a big mess for us to clean up. The Vancouver crews came back with the cars being in much better order.

The Vancouver train left at night, so once I reached fourth, lets say, on the list, I got bumped up to the evening. Then it was at any moment that I’d get a tap on the shoulder and hear, “You’re going out!”

And the next thing I knew, I was eating my dinner in the dining car as we are pulling out of Calgary and are about to venture into the most beautiful mountains in the world, in my humble and biased view.

There are so many people who I knew there that are dead now. It’s a downer, but that’s the reality for me. A lot of the guys I partied with are dead. Even my two roommates, one overdosed, and the other committed suicide. Two different intentions, same result.

When I found myself walking around the city in 1990, I suddenly found myself in front of my departed best friends apartment building and it was like waking into a cemetery.

So much time has passed that I’ve let go of most of that, and it hasn’t been intentional to not come back to Vancouver. The time I’ve been in Toronto, I’ve explored more the east, Europe and the Caribbean. In fact I have a very once close friend out there that I’d love to see.

After living in Vancouver, I’d always wanted to move back there, that is if I were to stay in Canada. Then with the AIDS work in the 80s, I found myself flying across the country, more often going out east (I was in Winnipeg and Regina). I get to establish a social network within the AIDS activist community and ASO workers, and that’s what lead me to come here.

Fourteen-years later, I guess whether I like it or not, this is home, and most likely not going to chance. I’m not sure what to think about that. But in the meantime, I’m going to make life into another adventure and see where I end up.

Things not to do on Sustiva.

2006-09-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I had taken a bottle of this product called Knock Out, it’s a carpet cleaner it the dog pees or something on the carpet, and poured the last remaining bit in an empty small water bottle. I needed the spritzer for something else.

Later on, really dead exhausted I went to take a pill and I washed it down. What I hadn’t realized is that was the bottle with the enzyme carpet cleaner in it; it was perfectly clear. After several good chugs of it I might add.

Then it hit me and I spit out the remaining, drank some water and then off to the washroom to exercise one of my looser muscles, the upper esophagus; stop putting words in my mouth, and brought back what once was in the echo chamber.

So, Miss Retro Virus has been given a sign by God that I have to be physically separated from cleaning products!

Don’t try this at home.

Working on a new blog

2006-09-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

You know I found it really interesting that less than a week ago someone registered www.acidrefluxblog.com for New York. I hope I'm not going to run into trouble with a crazy person stealing the "brand" so to speak.

Anyway, I'm in the process of switching over to Wordpress. I'm setting up the server, getting the domain name transfered, and then I'll be working on setting up a new site. I don't trust Blogger, and since I'm going to have to deal with a headache in one way or another, I'll just move completely away and deal with my own server space.

I'm also tired of the endless waiting to upload, and post things during busy server times.

So stay tuned.

A shallow moment, I'm going to be just shy of 10,000 hits this month.

2006-09-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

I put on a counter, and I'm just going to come up shy to 10,000 page loads on my front page for this month. I know that doesn't mean 10,000 visitors, but it's still a lot for me. That kind of number is a drop in the bucket in terms of the internet, but help me roll over this month to the five digit numbers!

5:01 AM

2006-09-29T02:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 3:55 am and have not been able to get back to sleep. A fascinating show on Discovery Civilization about St. Petersburg. We've now moved on to a show about an American couple that were accused of spying in Panama.

I think I'll change the channel. Let's see, there's Fashion Uncensored on FT. I miss the shows about that penis enlarging product info-commercial with really slutty women on talking about how they love big dicks, but they would never say the "word."

They also had this sex therapist with huge tits and red lipstick on talking about the product. She actually produces some TV sex show with her husband (something else I think I learned in the middle of the night, or should I say early morning).

I wonder what ever happened to them?

No Name

2006-09-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

It just struck me in a semi-well probably full on self absorbed moment after a couple puffs to go with the Retonavir that I just took, that when I was at the meeting today, I actually felt like their equal. That's really cool. I don't mean that in the probably egotistical way it sounds, but in that I didn't feel insecure. I felt confident. I was on the same level and participating in same way as everyone else.

Usually I'm doubting myself, or I put others above me, be-it-as-it-may, being in a room with so many professionals, physcians etc can be a little bit intimidating. Suddenly sitting in the same room with the people that command the entities that I've learned so much about, and I written about. I have to say that was cool. You really have to look for that place where you can speak from knowledge, and not stray from there. I tell you, because if you do, and you get busted; you've just completely blown your credibility.

Last December 1, I sat at that table in the MaRs Buildingto participate for the first time, face-to-face stakeholder consultations around the reform of the Ontario Drug Benefit Act. We were at the "community or patient groups" sessions. This just followed us writing a submission highlighting problems, solutions and how our organization can help in addressing them.

I got to learn a lot working on that paper. Basically I made the first draft, and then two colleagues went through it with me to finesse it, and of course do the editing! You know me and not seeing spelling mistakes.

So, ten months later, I find myself around the same table, but this time mixed up with the chairs of bodies I had no idea I was going to be seeing today. To be able to pull that off and feel completely comfortable and not feel as if I were not "as" whatever "as" they are, such as knowing the issues well enough to speak with confidence.

This was the method, as I explained to a friend, to my madness. I volunteered to work on written work around subjects in which I was interested, and in no time I would gain such a greater understanding of the subject matter.

Miss R.V. isn't as dumb as she sounds!

And to think yesterday I was so depressed. I think it should be Miss Manic Retro Virus these days. You'll have to start placing bets, "What extreme is going ot come out today?"

Ok, the Sustiva is kicking in, take note of the time, as I want to paint you the most vivid glimples into this world of the glacial pace at which one comes out of their antiretroviral cocoon. I just hope the metamophases is worth it.

Back To Live Blogging

2006-09-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

Continuing the "Live Blogging Through the boredom of Adjusting to a Seven-Drug Antiretroviral Regime," I'm about to live blog my way through a Fuzeon shot. Here you go, live shots of Miss Retro Virus shooting up her designer drug!

This is a first for me, and you know, that's not something I can often say these days!

My exciting night consisted of running down to my best friend's place, drag queen extrodinaire "Bunny LeBlanc" for dinner, and then coming up for my shot, which I thought I'd blog my way through, just for that added little Acid Reflux touch!

Now, my my, that last post, well at least that gotten out all my negative energy for the day during my hall pass to the dark side.

I can't say much about the Citizen's Council as it is confidential at this point. When this was mentioned I joking said to the chair of the DQTC, the body that makes decisions in Ontario on what gets reimbursed by the government on the drug formulary, "Well no posting this on the internet."

To which he replied, "Or blogs either." No I knew that he didn't know my blog, but still it's enough to go, "hmmmmmm."

I can say though however, I was a strong voice at this meeting that had chairs from at least three bodies that make drug formulary coverage decisions present. These are the cost control (they like to use sustainability) bodies such as the Common Drug Review, CEDAC and the DQTC present.

There were two presenters on similar "citizen's councils" in England and in Oregon. I was surprised to see that I actually knew more than any other Canadian about Oregon's public reimbursement system for health care. They prioritize everything and came up with a cut off point. If your need was for a medication or procedure was 640 and the cut off point is 550, then tough luck, you're out. I'm not going to say whether I like this or not as it poses a difficult ethical question. Do you make priorities so that the bottom 20% of the population can get health care or do you fund other things? These are the types of questions a Citizens' Council would discuss, and not necessarily have to come up to a conclusion or recommendation.

I managed in spite of all these very high up individuals in Health Canada to speak my mind in a very diplomatic way and it felt really good. That's when I get my mojo back. It was gone yesterday. I was even thanked by the Doctor from Oregon for my comments, and another physician heading up something else.

Anyway, so my shot's done. I have no idea why I spent so much energy on that lunatic email I got, but hey, I got to blow off some steam.

Once I raised the fact that I didn't want to receive this email on the group email list, suddenly others spoke up and more or less said what I had to say, but in five sentences or less.

Tomorrow, Task Two, what to do with the CMA group. As only one person is prepared to take any responsibility for it, and the founding members are either sick, or new jobs, gone back to university and can't, a year later, put the commitment into it.

So I want to close the group, The 519 want to keep it open and run it regardless. I'm not so sure what to think about that, but we'll work that out tomorrow when I meet another founding member to discuss what to do.

Now I hope I haven't gone beyond the sacred anonymity of talking about the group, but I haven't given away any confidential secrets here.

Anyhow, that's it in another day of a seven-drug antiretroviral regime!

Here we go again Part 2 -- Enough of these emails!

2006-09-28T14:47:00.000-07:00

Here we go again. Another fucking Sero-sorting Forum email in my box. If you don’t like my stance on sero-sorting as an HIV prevention strategy, I suggest you leave now, and go to the www.Poz4poz.com site where you will find yourself among more like minded people, cause it's not going to be pretty! I’ve asked CTAC to make sure that I don’t get these rubbish emails any longer.

I get another email about this garbage, and when I see claims such as this:

Therefore, from this date forward, there truly is NO excuse for not stopping new transmissions of HIV. The end of HIV has arrived and serosorting will lead the way. Also, from this day forward, ALL forums that cover serosorting will be addressing these same topics.

I have absolutely no problem if a positive guy wants to be with the same, and the negative the same. But when you make these kinds of claims:

The question was asked: "AIDS at 25, what next?"  My answer: How about the END OF NEW TRANSMISSIONS OF HIV. 
Questions were raised: Why is a private citizen providing this information and NOT the HIV agencies, organizations or health departments? Are they negligent? Are they “cooking the books”?  

[probably because the epidemiological data from SF showing the prediction of a 2.2 infection rate to 1.2 infection rate is inconclusive, and all studies I have seen has said “might.”]

The NYSDOH is closely monitoring the monumental progress in San Francisco, California.

[might does not equal monumental]

* How can a person SEROSORT?  
A person can serosort by doing the following:   

1) Get an HIV test and knowing their HIV status.  

2) Understanding and accepting the responsibility of being HIV+ or HIV-.  

3) Disclosing their HIV status to others PRIOR to having sex.  

4) Having sex with those of the same HIV status.  

[yes getting a test done is good, but it’s not static, you’ll have to get one every time you have had sex. Is the responsibility for HIV + and HIV – now that you have to fuck your own kind or you are not being responsible? We know there are lots of reasons why people don’t disclose their status, especially with women (power imbalance in relationships for example), men going on the “down low,” it’s not routinely discussed at the baths, or should we go the draconian way and close them all up as they did in the 80s south of the border to prevent mixing of status?

• Why should anyone SEROSORT?   This was an easy question to answer: To finally stop the spread of NEW HIV transmissions once and for all. To end HIV / AIDS. 

1) This is factually wrong, I would like to see the evidence that serosoritng will stop the spread of new HIV transmission for once and for all.

• What are the limitations to SEROSORTING?   There are NO limitations of serosorting. ANYONE can serosort regardless of: race, age, gender, sexual orientation, income level, political or religious affiliations, geographical region or language. SEROSORTING DOES NOT DESCRIMINATE. Therefore, serosorting has become the most common method to prevent the spread of new HIV transmission in recent years.

1) Again wrong, there are holes you could drive a truck through as an HIV prevention strategy. I’ve already gone through them in other posts. It is factually wrong to say that sero-sorting is the most common method of preventing HIV. Show me the studies that this is the most common way? Again, very gay-male centric, even if that were a correct statement in the gay community, I’d have to ask “Who’s gay community?” and “Are the straight folks in Canada serosorting as a means of prevention?”

The straight HIV positive folks I know are not buying into serosorting as means of HIV prevention. I guess it’s not a Canadian thing, they are all in sero discordant relationships.

2) Give them all the information; even though evidence of superinfection is rare, it still can happen 4 out of 165 guys in one study. That might not be a lot, but if you are one of the four, then you might not be so happy about this. But what happens one day if one of these virus's evolves and suddenly we've got the spreading of a new and more virulent highly-drug resistant HIV.

Given the fact that I've lived through SARS, and have seen that virus's can mutate, or new ones can appear, is it really worth the risk to have a condomless moment. Apparently many HIV positive guys think this risk is worth the price.

3) No discussion of health sexual choices, the implications of STIs (except as a bypass mention with our new allies),and an entire list of things that are not good to catch. Just do what you want as long as you are with the same sero-status, I think that is irresponsible.

*a friend goes out and fucks bare as a top (with another poz guy) and gets HEP C. Hep C, BTW is much more infectious in someone who is HIV positive. Dr Fletcher in Toronto finds that about 15% of his practice is HIV/Hep C coinfection that was sexually transmitted, and often in clusters of guys who all had sex together. No discussion of that.

Other supporting evidence is the national growth in HIV+ only:  * Sex parties / sex venues * Socials (non-sexual events) * Casual meeting in public (meeting a stranger in a bar or club) * HIV+ only porn company (www.pozmodels.com ) and other adult industry related companies promoting SEROSORTING.

1) Growth doesn’t equal evidence. If there is a serosorting culture naturally developing, great, but there is evidence that the main reason that guys will not use condoms is “peer pressure” and at a fuck party where no one is using them, you’ll feel like a leper if you go and reach for one. That’s one reason why I don’t like group sex, because even for someone as outspoken as myself it can be difficult when the entire group is doing it. That's great that there are places for people to go where they feel comfortable if that works for them, but again, individual choice.

2)I’m all for pozmodels. Since Miss Retro Virus is Canada’s Original Top Pharma Model!

3) These social and other events do fulfill a need for those who need feel more comfortable, but I took the hard way, I’m out there in the public eye, everyone knows my status, and I don’t have to run into bar with people with whom the only thing I have in common is my status. I understand and appreciate that this is important for others who feel differently, but it's not for me.

The BENEFITS of SEROSORTING: I discussed -  

• SEROSORTING as a form of Harm Reduction and HIV Prevention, a FIRST in the history of HIV. The audience agreed: now both barebackers AND those who use condoms can STOP the spread of new HIV transmissions. There is no excuse why HIV cannot be stopped.

   

1) At least some truth comes out, harm reduction. That’s all this is. When this language of “no excuse” comes into play, I feel a lot of blame or judgment for those who may recently become infected, there seems to be more and more of this, “You should have known better!”

“The nationwide increase in HIV testing. There is an increase in HIV testing in recent years, and the cause has been the popularity in serosorting. The NYSDOH had no evidence to disprove this.” 

1) Conversely, give me the evidence that people are getting tested because of serosorting. This is such nonsense. At best one can say they don’t know. Reasearch would have to be done. There is a study going on here in Toronto that follows people both neg and positive to look at testing rates, whats going to lead to testing etc. The study is not done yet, but I will contact the co-ordinator to get some data on that for a Canadian context. The absence of evidence does not mean a conclusion either way.

The decrease in the stigma of being HIV+ or being HIV- . It was agreed by the audience that the stigma is decreasing; and with the creation of HIV- only safer sex parties and socials, the HIV- community will have the nationwide support networks to stay HIV-.

1) Well then, I guess black folks should hang out with black folks if they want to run away from racism. Stigma take balls to fight, and to just turn inwards to me is just cowardly and will contribute to the widening gab between those who are positive and negative in terms of trying to understand each other. Sadly, I think it’s almost too late. Entrenching this, is the easy way out to deal with stigma.

I was in all forms of media in the Prairies of Canada out about my status back in the leprosy days, I know stigma. You have to fight it, not run away and hide from it. It takes guts.

* Economical - SEROSORTING is free, etc.
There are no costly pills or shots to take.   

* Psychological - Increase is self-esteem, empowerment, over all mental health. The audience agreed that the psychological barriers are removed, people are more comfortable with their HIV status and their over all out look on life is improved. They can form social and sexual relationships, friendships and life long partners.   

• Physical Health. With all the benefits listed above, common sense and medical data support this fact: When people serosort, they feel much better mentally, and this leads to over all better physical health.”

1) Ok pass me the snake oil. One looses all credibility in my eyes when these kinds of claims are made. Prove it, and not just ‘oh well I’ve met people who have said that.” Maybe some people would feel that way, but I won’t, so he’s not speaking for HIV positive individuals such as myself. Most likely those who are predisposed to feeling this way are those who are choosing these events, and those who feel differently self-select out. Not a true representation of whats going out there, just in one group of guys who have made the choice that this is for them.

2) Remember my bit about if you are putting yourself into the public eye and “accountability.” I see none being taken for these statements.

The unlimited RESEARCH OPPORTUNITIES being offered: I discussed -  The unlimited research opportunities being offered, and anyone interested in conducting future SEROSORTING RESEARCH, should take notes.

I mentioned GRANT PROPOSAL topics that should be researched, but have not been. Therefore, there will be a surge in serosorting research efforts. All the research topic opportunities are mentioned above; just pick one (or all) and start writing your grant proposals.   

If you don’t, your colleagues will! After all, this IS the internet, and ANY researcher has access to the text you are NOW reading.   

“I also discussed how sex venues are now vital allies in STD awareness, education and prevention.

With the failure of the message of safe sex, the HIV agencies, organizations and departments will need to rethink their efforts of HIV education, awareness and promotion. Sex venues are the new outreach venues providing this service to the general public.”

1) Not in Canada, certainly is not the agenda of community-based research nor with the Canadian HIV Trials Network, or the Ontario HIV Treatment Network which does community-based research and funds research. The City of Toronto does not have it on it’s agenda, nor anywhere else in Canada, so maybe south of the border this plethora of research is going to happen, but I doubt it.

2) Conservative governments are not going to fund studies are sero-sorting as a HIV prevention strategy, only the ABCs.

3) If funding proposals to the OHTN went in like this, they’d be laughed out of the city.

3) Sex venues are no more allies in dealing with STIs than they were before. Let’s not repackage something and try to sell it as new. This sounds more like spin than anything else.

FINALLY:
I discussed -  How the war on HIV is being WON, and the end is close at hand. And how the AIDS vaccine is now obsolete.  

I reminded the audience about what serosorting is, who can serosort and why, and how a person can serosort.

I also reminded the audience that: When HIV- people have safe sex with other HIV- people, NO HIV- person gets infected with HIV.  

Therefore, the HIV/AIDS vaccine is obsolete. Why pay for something that is not available, when we are already DOING IT FOR FREE? “

1) Do I have to say any more? If credibility was not lost before, it certainly is now. Yes folks, no need for a vaccine. I guess they can sero-sort themselves out of this pandemic. This stuff goes right up there with the AIDS denialists. Let's go on a tour of Africa and spread the word (pun intended).

2)I find this a very urban gay Americancentric view of HIV and prevention, as if a one-size fits all solution to end the pandemic and rid us the need for a vaccine.

Now, hopefully I won't be getting any more of those emails. I also want to mention a site called The Spin Cycle. I love this site, and you'd probably wonder why, since the authors go out on barebacking bath binges etc. Well, they at least know what the deal is and have made their choices in full knowledge of the implications of it, and I love the fact he's so matter of fact and in your face. No apologies, and no trying to wrap it up in some form of justification or rationaliztion. At least he's making an informed choice.

At least he's being honest and himself. I see very little of that here. I just see an agenda that is trying to be pushed on to the rest of us, ASO and other agencies, and I doubt in Canada with my discussions with other activists, funders and those who work in education adn prevention that this will ever take on an air of legitimacy being on the outer fringes of the AIDS world.

The world is not New York, and it is not San Francisco, nor is it Sydney (which I've seen sited many times in reference to all of this). There will be a need for a vaccine, and you cannot end the spread of HIV through this method. At best you have a harm reducation strategy that is being disguised as something else.

Like I said, as undiplomatic as I am, if you don't like my views on this, go to where you'll find people of like mind, because you are not going to find it here.

 

Citizens' Council

2006-09-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

Depression day is over with, and I have woken up back into the land of reality, the one thats not hazed up with chemically-induced blues.

This morning I had to get up early, and I haven't been doing that at all for the last little while. I set my alarm for 8:15 and at 7:55 I get one of those annoying calls where all I hear is a beeping. I used to have this happen all the time, and then it stopped, and not a year or so later it's starting again. There is nothing I can do about it other than turn the ringers off when I go to bed.

I'm off to Ministry of Health workshop on what this citizens council should be as part of the Ontario Drug Benefit Act reform. This is based on models in Australia, England and Oregon. The broader philisophical questions on drug funding etc. are discussed at this council which should be at arm's length of the body that makes the actual funding recommendations, the "Committee to Evaluate Drugs" I think it will be called, scrapping the former DQTC which rendered decisions in a completely opaque manner and constantly declined requests for "section 8" drugs.

These are drugs that you have to get the doctor to fill out the form send it in and then it gets sent back more often than not decline. This is what happened to a friend, they wanted to switch him off of AZT because he was dealing with chemo for lymphoma and AZT was making him anemic so much so that he needed two blood transfusions (could have been avoided if the province just paid a bit more for the right drug, but instead rather spend $800 dollars a day on a hospital bed, and god knows what other costs for the transfusions etc), AND this was the only drug that when in combination with his others got him to undectectable.

So instead of just giving it to him, the rather let him fail his drugs, and progress to more expensive third-line and fourth-line treatment which costs, such as with myself, upwards of 4000 dollars a month!

All this so they could save 50 bucks a month for a year. In the end, and after three requests, and repeatedly failing his meds, he got what he wanted.

I was going to take this case on to advocate, but then it got resolved, and I had just started my meds.

The women I was going to speak to is part of today's workshop, so I will relay this "case study" and poor decision making costing patients their health, and the province money.

That's the thing, people think we want everything under the kitchen sink funded and have a carte blanche when it comes to drugs. We are just saying, if you use the right one, even if it's a wee bit more expensive, in the long run you save thousands of dollars.

This is the stuff that I work to fight against. The entire system is being reformed, from the Bill 102, regulations and policy. This citizens'council is just part of the changes.

Anyway, I'm off for the moring.

Antiretroviral Live Blogging

2006-09-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

I've decided the next while officially will be an event of "Live Blogging Through the Boredom of Adjusting to a Seven-Drug Antiretroviral Regime." In addition to what ever other foolishness I can come up with.

My watching of the 1974 classic Black Christmas was interrupted by the fact I've got two shows recording, so I have to watch one of them. With this thing really, you can only tape one thing and watch other stations or record two shows and watch one of them. Silly, but still better than the VCR.
Jericho has just started and their preparing for the nuclear blast. Oh ya, and then I'm going to make a curtain to finish off my counter project in the kitchen so that everything is hidden underneath.

I know, you're saying curtain, how gay. But it will be cool when it's done. It will be on a rod suspended by chains from the ceiling. That parts all done, now I just have to do the black fabric part.

My best friend "G" has my sewing machine. Can you believe that I actually bought a sewing machine just so that I could sew to edges on some fabric. He's coming over sometime after his work, soon I think, and then that will be the next task.

This is what my life has been reduced to, home improvements as a vehicle to self-fulfilment and achievement

Need an organ?

2006-09-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

Transplant at least. Well, if you do then you should book yourself a round-trip flight to China; a country that has become the leader in the numbers of organ transplants for foreigners.

This story is something that is actually out of a horror story, but it happens to be true. Organs from executed prisioners (China leads the way on that quantity as well) are sold to tourists in need.

Officials say they give their consent during the time they are paraded in public and murdered by the state. Apparently on China's national holiday, as caught in an undercover BBC report, "there are many transplants to be had, and these bad people give their organs to society as a gift" explained the hospital organ salesman, something like 50,000 pounds (remember it's BBC).

Now let's play Scruples!

My question: If you had the money and you were going to die if you couldn't get an organ transplant, would you participate in surgical tourism?

Peace and Solence

2006-09-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like a jaunt by the lake to help me level out. Like many people, I find a real peace and solence when I am sitting by the water listening to the waves. The bike ride helps too.

I only spent about a half hour there as the sun suddenly disappeared and the wind started to really kick up. Great for the windsurfers, but not so great for me on my bike. It’s a shame that it is a bit of a bike ride to get down there, even though the lake is so close; or I’d have brought at least Buster with me.

On my way back I stopped by what we call the fledgling “Distillery District” where recently only building have been converted in commercial use and it has the beginnings of something that could be quite nice.

I’m not sure what to think of it, but almost looking like it’s in the middle of it all, but it really is on the outside of the area but will be very integrated is this tall new condo going up.

The condo itself looks to be fine, but is this the best place for it? I’m not sure. The added population might bring more people living in area and hopefully breath a wee bit more life into it as the area is by foot or even bike just enough out of the way to not go there.

But until they make this corner easily accessible, and I’m not talking the once every 15 to 30 minute Sherbourne bus, but real transit and frequent transit to get down there, I’m not so sure what will become of this area.

The do though have this art gallery that has all glass works by different artists and some of them are spectacular, along with the prices beginning somewhere around $15,000 and go up from there.

I was tying to find the website for the condo development, but they’ve not made it easy, so fuck’em. This last photo is where they are starting to dig, so you get the idea.

A newly referred to blog.

2006-09-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Here is a site that was refered to me that puts lots of my friend Costas. I love it, of course lots of The Daily Show. They have a great Fox interview put on the The Daily Show, I love this show, and of course there's a bit with my friend Samantha Bee.

My load's getting smaller!

2006-09-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Ya, I forgot to mention that when I got my viral load back it was 650. Not undetectable yet, but it had to come down from over 500,000. I'm supposed to go back and get it done again, this time it should be undetectable.

Here's a good example about how the health care systems dicks you around. I have to go all the way from where I live to Sunnybrook Hospital by transit. It takes more or less an hour. Once I get there, the woman says, "Oh I guess you could have done this at the Maple Leaf Clinic."

Well nice fucking time to realize that. This clinic is only about five blocks away.

All she is going to do is take a look at injection sites, give me my supplies and I leave. This is enough to completely fuck over my entire afternoon.

She is supposed to tell me if I can get my supplies from the Maple Leaf Clinic, little does she know, whether she likes it or not I will be getting them from this clinic. I swear if I have to contact the company myself to make it happen I will.

But you know, us people on disability, what else have we got to do with our days other than run to useless appointment after another spanning great distances.

And let me tell you, the streetcar and subway are not a good match for a queasy stomach.

At least it's sunny out.

Reflection of a moment.

2006-09-25T19:55:00.001-07:00

I’ve just stumbled on the sequel of a sequel of a 80 horror classic “Demons.” Produced by Italians in Germany, and dubbed into English. One by one theatre goers succumb to this demon. And in turn they go demonic, kind of like zombies. These two girls were followed in the U-Bahn and the guy hands them an invite to this horror movie showing at the “Metropol,” I'm pretty sure. As it turns out it’s by the U-Bahn stop in Berlin for Motzstrasse, the gay area in Berlin (well the west one). Every time I saw that theatre I thought, “Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be walking by this place so nonchalantly as if it were an everyday occurrence.

I was staying at this how-would-I-describe kind of gay brothel, and occasionally worked there. I wrote it up first draft for a short story. I’ll have to go look that up and see if I can get that experience in PDF, I just haven’t felt like sitting and concentrating on writing anything much more than a post.

Even then making all the paragraphs flow at the moment is difficult, but what the hell. This is what you get with the immediacy of the internet, it’s not clean, correctly spelled and failed attempts at parallel.

On TV there was a commercial just on for “Charmaine (sp?) great for bare bottoms.” Well, if that is not subliminal. One homonym mix up and you’ve got a completely different picture!

In any case, I an indirectly horror-movie induced stroll down memory lane.

I haven't been laid for at least two months!

2006-09-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

Dr Phil says, “This is going to be a changing day in my life.”

If he says that, it must be true!

If a changing day in my life consists of getting fabric, and ordering carpet, as I am back in home improvement mode again, then I need some help.

Then from Bathurst and Queen I walked all the way home; a healthy jaunt for most, let alone someone battling fatigue while his body’s adapting to taking toxic chemicals.

Gina, what to do? It really takes time and taking (healthy) risks to figure out where you are at. I have this friend, we’ve known each other for quite some time, and we fuck every now and then. It works great.

In fact, sometimes I feel like I just would like to have a few guys I could casually spend time with, including hanging out, fucking around. But then I feel like I would like to be in a relationship. Immediately to counteract that thought, I’m quickly reminded of the relationships breaking up at this point with a few couples I know. This kind of thinking just ends up putting you in a state of relationship paralysis where you’re not doing anything, let alone getting laid.

As a gay guy, quick and easy sex can only be a few clicks away. I don’t think you should feel guilty for wanting to have sex but not be in a relationship. It may not be where you are at right now. There is nothing to say that wont change, but in the meantime why not dabble around and see what’s out there.

If I were feeling better I’d be out there. For me, I’ve discovered over the last while is that I’m really more comfortable being with someone that I feel some connection on some level. Don’t you want to like the guys you fuck? With these quick internet drive-by climaxes don’t really give you much time to know the slightest thing about them other than they’re horny and want to get fucked.

Really, your only window of opportunity to get to know the guy is the walk between the entrance and the bedroom. One needs to quickly look around, “Does the décor remind you of living back in Regina?”

Conversely however, being a Gemini, and with the help of a daily dose of Androgel (testosterone) I’m game for the sleazy stuff.

The trick is to be self-aware to know where you’re head is at, because if you want one thing and get it in a different way….well it’s like Chinese food, you’ll only feel satisfied for about an hour after eating. So maybe if you go out for quick sex, but it’s really more intimacy you want, you need to recognize that. I know that if I go to the baths with really wanting intimacy or being lonely, I end up going back home feeling like it wasn’t really what I wanted, and hopefully I get do a couple guys while I’m at it☺

However, I do have a tip if you are into this kind of quick causal sex. Figure out where your errands for the day are and look for a guy around there. That way if it’s really bad and quick, you can still get other stuff done, like grocery shopping!

I think women are trained to feel judged if they go out and have sex for the sake of having sex, just like guys do. I don’t know, that baseball bat sounds hard to resist. I see know harm in getting a taste every now and then.

As long as you are safe, honest and open with people, I think you’ll figure it out. How’s that for a non-committal answer. I enjoy the “sexual” friendships that I have. Sometimes they are in open relationships, and other times their single.

I hear you about the ‘another notch” thing says the guy who’s done entire continents, laugh. It depends, if he is arrogant about it, I don’t think I’d give him the satisfaction. But if he’s cool, and it’s great sex, while why not?

Does all this rambling make sense?

Another moment

2006-09-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

On a Datline London discussion about fashion week and models being too thin, as Spain banned models that were "too thin." Having been a make-up artist, I can tell you, it's not a great look when you see it upclose and sans maquillage.

On of the panalists proclaimed:

"My god, the only way you know which direction they are walking is by their shoulder blades!"

A new vision of balance according to Costas

2006-09-24T14:02:00.000-07:00

Everyone strives for balance.

2006-09-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

I was standing in MacDonalds today, I watched this five-foot something brunette woman wearing a way too tight baby blue shirt over a white shirt. As I was counting the rolls between her armpit and waste (the number was three), I heard:

"I'll have a double Big Mac combo........with a diet coke please."

It's Saturday night, it's 8:30 and I'm exhausted whoopeee!

2006-09-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure but I think I'm making slow progress with these pills. Now half-day sleep-a-thon as yesterday. I did have to go for an "emergency eat" at a fast food place to keep the old stomach happy.

Some people love fall, and I actually do like fall as well, if it weren’t for the fact that I subconsciously know that the winter will be following. The grey days already seem to be appearing.

I think I’m going to have to plaster my wall with images of the Pacific Ocean to remind me that I will be getting away from this.

My mother and her live-in boyfriend, partner or whatever ever you want to call him are on their way to Budapest, so I went down to have lunch with them at the air port. I can’t imagine the journey --Winnipeg to Toronto, then to Frankfort and finally to Budapest.

Now that I have finished the second season of LOST, I’m discovering what kind of cult following it has, and I’m sucked right into it with my first visit today to The Lost Notebook, and when I have the time I’ll make my way to The Fuselage website to see what they have to say. This one is truly for the obsessed.

After taking a quick peek at the Lost Notebook site, I don’t know what to think about some of the things that they have in there; people missing appendages, polar opposites, black and white images, the Darhma logo on the shark?

Miss Retrovirus is working on a manuscript of a story the just as in Wicked, a well-known book and musical (I’m seeing it on Nov. 15th) and gave it all this creative back story. Once she has it all thought out I’ll share it with you.

That gal, she’s multi-viral, AND, talented!

Now I’m off to watch another dark show, Carnivale.

11 pm binges

2006-09-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

These drugs zap my appetite away, and then something magical happens and I start to binge.

Two nights ago: I made crepes (from scratch)and maple syrup and blueberries
Last night: French Toast (4 of them)

Nothing like a light snack before hitting the hay.

Hotel Cazzo and other fun stuff (oops I guess it's too late to put in the NSFW part?)

2006-09-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

I think between the physical and mind fuck that I've been on since starting all these meds that I am going to stick to lighter stuff for now. Right now, the clostest way I can explain the way I am feeling from all this shit is as if I had come down from a cystal crash about four days ago.

Why do I keep mentioning this? Not to be in a perpetual state of whining, but for those who read this and have never had this joyous experience, hopefully will think about some of the risks they take. Maybe they will see that even though great strides have been made, this is still not a pleasant thing to have to deal with. Fortunately, Glamour always does help, and that's where Costas comes in!

It seems in the past I've been asked why I've gotten my undergarments in an unmentionable manner over a particular issue. Well duh??? You take all this shit and see how fucking level-headed you all get.

That's what it's like taking this shit, and that is Acid Reflux, deal with it. Hence, the next while I'm going for the light stuff. I need to keep myself out of that "dark zone" especially until I get this meds stuff worked out.

I've been meaning to post some of Costa's creative work, all the way from Greece. I think his email explains all the images quite well. (I asked if I could post the email.)

Good morning, Brian,

You know, sometimes it feels like I'm a deaf-mute who can only communicate with pictures... but, what the hell, here's my "say!"

First things first, there's something (someone) for that hypersensitive fela, Buster. I mean, dogs –same as people– should go weak in the knees for the right reasons. Hope Buster won't get alarmed with this one...

RB is something you're already familiar with – the generic Hypernauseate Queezyne repackaged as a more honest product.

DR is simply a pharma ad meant for Miss Retro Virus – in my humble opinion, always! Anyway, it's a good drug – invariably effective, with the sole possible side effect of laughter-induced incontinence (muahaharoea).

Cabbagetown is just my own, inherently demented view of the world. There must be some Sustivian gene in me that distorts reality out of proportion. Is it hopeless, doctor?

LMS is old news and an enigma. I'll have to wait till September 28 (Little Miss Sunshine's screening in the Athens Film Festival) to find the answer.

Can't wait for that movie fest that opens next Thursday. A section dedicated to Queer Cinema has been introduced last year, and the current one sports 15 films, which is big news for this gay province that is Greece

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is particularly funny is Costas knows me from a porn flick Hotel Cazzo long before these two worlds collided on the internet with this blog.

In the Cabbagetown inset shot, that's where I'm playing the gardner when the guests arrive at "Hotel Cazzo." Can you tell I was actually raking stones there?

Here are a couple other shots Costas sent me from this flick with his added touches.

I have to write the story about all of this transpiring but it's too long for here. THere was drama with a co-worker who was fighting with his boyfriend the entire time. Kipper the guy getting his head pushed down on the other guy's (Italian American living in Milan making his spending money through dealing and whatever else)cock.

In the other image, this was a French couple who lived in the Southwest near the Spanish border and were such great guys. I had a lot of fun with them.

The flick was made about 50 kms outside of Florence, and these shots were taken only
days before 9/11.

I like how you put it in today's email Costas about your porn becoming "Interactive."

Beta Blogger

2006-09-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

Can someone tell me what this Beta version is about? I signed in under the Beta version, and it wanted me to create a new blog or go back to this blog, which I did.

I don't have a lot of faith in Blogger, and especially Beta versions.

Warriors 4 Jesus: Where do I sign up? – The Coles Notes Version

2006-09-20T11:24:00.000-07:00

First of all what are Coles Notes? Well it’s a Canadian thing apparently, I didn’t think it was.

Now here is a gem that I found from watching BBC News. Just to show Christians can have their own version of extremism, other than FOX News, the Republican Party, or their Intelligent Designests, now there is “Warriors for Jesus.”

This is a fun sight. I learned that Kraft was a sponsor of the Chicago Gay Games, and should be boycotted at all costs. Here’s an example of one the examples, and heavily warned “offensive photos” from the event. I guess I should go out and buy some KD now, cause those two guys below have great asses!

As per the website:

(Warning: These photos are very offensive…..just look down one post you’ll see them.)

Here is a list of other places to boycott if you feel that heavenly:

AT&T
Business that pulled funding from the Boy Scouts
Carrier Heating, Air-Conditioning, Refrigeration Corporation
Columbus Dispatch
CVS Pharmacy
Disney
K-Mart/Sears
Levi-Straus
Public Broadcasting System (PBS)
United Way
Proctor & Gamble - (Tide, Crest, Bounce, Bounty, Cascade, Eukanuba, Iams, Febreze, Folgers coffee, and Head & Shoulders are just a small portion.) They have roots in scientology and gay agenda's!
Detailed info: www.creationists.org/boycotts.html
Also: Kraft, Maxwell House, Post, Oscar Mayer & Nabisco
TARGET
Hardeez/Carl's Jr. - For porn in commercials!

(Please feel free to let me know of other heathen companies, apparently Ford is one as well, and look what’s happening to them. You don’t have to boycott something that isn’t selling anyway)

What I particularly enjoyed was this group teaching five-year-olds that government was bad by smashing mugs upon which were written “GOVERNMENT.” This is apparently the “anger management” portion of the bible Camp in North Dakota, just south of where I grew up. It’s not really a bible camp as it is a “warrior factory” where right-wingnuts got to program the next generation of government- and –people (only certain kinds, and after they are born) hating crazy folks who actually believe George Bush has told the entire truth the entire time, and great success is being achieved in EyeRack.

Since when did an “I” in front of a consonant become pronounced as “eye?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note: That was a badly asked question as there are clear examples of a “eye” pronunciation in front of consonant.

However, those words such as Ireland, etc are being pronounced phonetically correct. A lot has to do with the etymology of the word. English taking in from so many languages during it's evolution has created a wealth of spellings and pronunciations that can look vastly different from each other. The Danes had a huge influence over the language, along with Latin of the Church, French from former conquests of England, not to mention Gaelic and Celtic languages already existing.

Now, who can say what is correct once word usage (such as “impact” as a replacement for “effect and affect” or pronunciation becomes introduced to the common parlance.

However, what I can say is that according to the dictionaries I have consulted, going by the International Phonetic Alphabet "eye"rack is clearly not the international pronunciation of this country. In my little research there seems to be a lot of confusion more around the "raq" part than the actual "I" in all cases I found it was the "ih" sound.

Iraq |ɪˌrɑk| |ɪˌrøk| both giving the sound of “ih-rack, or e-rack”

Here are few words from another site:

Here's an actual informative inventory of the Arabic sounds:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arabic_pronunciation

Just about every language includes sounds that we don't have in English. In some languages, nearly every word is impossible to pronounce using only English sounds. (Arabic for example, or Xhosa) And in most languages, the vowels are subtly different from our vowels, in ways which become obvious if you hear native speakers and start to imitate them.

So basically it's impossible to pronounce most foreign words accurately without suddenly changing the way your mouth is moving as you talk. So we should just say "ih-RAWK"; that's close enough
_______________________________________________________________

Now there is just something really fucked up with these people. Ok, so they can’t handle a couple of ass cheeks, male bonding, and a drag queen. But to indoctrinate their children is pretty much, hmmm, I’d say to be diplomatic, is to not allow them to have the same playing field others have in life. Why? Because they are just going to be over burdened by so much baggage than other health kids.

Here are a couple quotes from these children:

"A lot of people die for God," one camper said, "and they're not afraid."

"We're kinda being trained to be warriors," said another, "only in a funner way."

I’d like to see some longitudinal studies on these warriors and see how many Jesus never did save?

What’s the next step? Teach them that there will be 72 virgins awaiting them once they blow up a government building (hello Oklahoma).

I’ve said it time and time again, and I'm gonna say it again!

Why would you blow yourself up for 72 virgins?

Think of all the bad head! I can feel my cock getting chafed as I write. And all that training, 72 of them with absolutely no experience; I think I’d go the Kraft route and go to hell and at least get a few good fucks while you’re on the way

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I purposely choose to mix the two “metaphors” if you wish between the indoctrination of children into smashing objects representing the government to the extremists of Islam who believe they will get 72 virgins. This was taking something to the absurd that I really do not believe that they will be teaching christian children about 72 virgins. Sometimes taking a point to the absurd just shows that this is the same continuum of thinking and logic, only pushed to a unrealistic radical extreme to make my point.

It is, though, taking religion and politics to another level, one I'd say could evolve to be quite extreme if power were to be laid in their hands.

What this passage really was about for me was purely a cheap way to recycle an old line of mine about that many virgins and the bad sex.

By no way, shape, means or otherwise did I suggest, or think that Timothy Mcveigh was arab. He was though, very anti-government, and thus Oklahoma City bombings.

I actually find it a wee-bit of an underestimation of my understanding of current and past events to even suggest that I would think that Mr. McVeigh was anything other than a white guy of Judeo-Christian background who hated the government, and who blew up a building.

Canada is no stranger to domestic terrorism, it's just that when we had the FLQ crisis, it was well over 30 years ago, so it's mostly forgotten here.

But it doesn't take a huge leap to see these poor children coming under the influences that would come together to turn someone to something as so terrible as to blow up a building and killing one's own fellow citizens.

Just as the Jesuits proverb says, "Give me the child for the first seven years, and I'll give you the man."

I'm just afraid of what man or woman we just might get when these folks get their hands on their tabula rasa.

Warriors 4 Jesus: Where do I sign up?

2006-09-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

Now here is a gem that I found from watching BBC News. Just to show Christians can have their own version of extremism, other than FOX News, the Republican Party, or their Intelligent Designests, now there is “Warriors for Jesus.”

This is a fun sight. I learned that Kraft was a sponsor of the Chicago Gay Games, and should be boycotted at all costs. Here’s an example of one the examples, and heavily warned “offensive photos” from the event. I guess I should go out and buy some KD now, cause those two guys below have great asses!

As per the website:

(Warning: These photos are very offensive.)

Funny, just looks like another night out in Gaytown.

Here is a list of other places to boycott if you feel that heavenly:

AT&T
Business that pulled funding from the Boy Scouts
Carrier Heating, Air-Conditioning, Refrigeration Corporation
Columbus Dispatch
CVS Pharmacy
Disney
K-Mart/Sears
Levi-Straus
Public Broadcasting System (PBS)
United Way
Proctor & Gamble - (Tide, Crest, Bounce, Bounty, Cascade, Eukanuba, Iams, Febreze, Folgers coffee, and Head & Shoulders are just a small portion.) They have roots in scientology and gay agenda's!
Detailed info: www.creationists.org/boycotts.html
Also: Kraft, Maxwell House, Post, Oscar Mayer & Nabisco
TARGET
Hardeez/Carl's Jr. - For porn in commercials!

*Ford (please feel free to send me you places that should be boycott -- it's a real education).

What I particularly enjoyed was this group teaching five-year-olds that government was bad by smashing mugs upon which were written “GOVERNMENT.” This is apparently the “anger management” portion of the bible Camp in North Dakota, just south of where I grew up. It’s not really a bible camp as it is a “warrior factory” where right-wingnuts got to program the next generation of government- and –people (only certain kinds, and after they are born) hating crazy folks who actually believe George Bush has told the entire truth the entire time, and great success is being achieved in EyeRack.

Since when did an “I” in front of a consonant become pronounced as “eye?”* Ok I've been corrected here, there are some countries that do pronouce the initial "I" as eye, but sorry, in the case of Iraq, all my life it's been Iraq, not EYEraq. It sounds uneducated, and somewhat hillbilly"ish" to me.

Now there is just something really fucked up with these people. Ok, so they can’t handle a couple of ass cheeks, male bonding, and a drag queen. But to indoctrinate their children is pretty much, hmmm, I’d say to be diplomatic, is to not allow them to have the same playing field others have in life. Why? Because they are just going to be over burdened by so much baggage than other health kids.

Here are a couple quotes from these children:

"A lot of people die for God," one camper said, "and they're not afraid."

"We're kinda being trained to be warriors," said another, "only in a funner way."

I’d like to see some longitudinal studies on these warriors and see how many Jesus never did save?

What’s the next step? Teach them that there will be 72 virgins awaiting them once they blow up a government building (hello Oklahoma ).*

*(This is satire,not to be taken seriously, and is only an extension of silly logic, and a great way for me to say my line about 72 virgins and bad head)

I’ve said it time and time again, and I'm gonna say it again!

Why would you blow yourself up for 72 virgins?

Think of all the bad head! I can feel my cock getting chafed as I write. And all that training, 72 of them with absolutely no experience; I think I’d go the Kraft route and go to hell and at least get a few good fucks while you’re on the way

Another I can't sleep so I'm gonna do yet another live blogging moment through the sea sick-like kind of feeling I have.

2006-09-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

I thought this shit stopped in the 60's.

That's about the most fucking outrageous thing I've heard in my life! I've tried them all and look at me! Ok, well, not the best example.:)

besides, it 's hard work keeping one's self marginalized these days. Things come into vogue and before you know it their putting you on a cat walk, doing interviews all the while trying to figure how to stay ahead of the game.

Ahhh it makes feel like I should be a character in "The Boys in The Band," They made self-loathing seem almost sexy, something you might want to try at your next cocktail party. And if you know if Wikipedia say so, then you know it's true.

This time though, it will be confessions of gay past trauma and love, intermittently interrupted by a bottle of K going around, and coke. No crystal, the drama would be way over the top and you'd spend the entire time being more concerned about getting plowed by the next internet date.

Homosexual sex is as dangerous drug abuse, prostitution and smoking! There was a time when I would have called that a good night out!

Yes cock, of which I'm deprived, combined with the active ingredients of these medications is enough to drive one through the roof. Thus the elimination of the Andro Gel for now.

There is nothing like being all horned up, and having Retonavir ickies. You can't even be bothered to throw in a DVD and have a toss.

Yes, this is Sustiva land. Welcome to the world I sporadically live in. It's not quite the same as writing a poem to a muffin, but it gets odd enough.

Here's a clip from The Smoking Room

2006-09-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

I quit these fags well over two years ago.

2006-09-17T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I'm on to something that is new for Canada, or I'm as usual, the last to have heard of it. This show is on BBC Canada, hence me just finding it now with getting digital cable.

This is their website which begs the question: Got a light? This is the episode I'm watching, it's quite funny, and very dark.

Definitely a Miss Retro Virus favourite! And I'd bone this actor on the show without question.

Sunday Afternoon

2006-09-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday

Another bleak-like day with the roof being hammered off just across the laneway below my apartment was still not enough to keep me awake for most of the day and I slept from three until five. This is crazy.

I can’t believe I completely forgot all about Beyoncée’s free concert last night that was held, oh a fifteen-minute walk from where I live, and especially because my friend got a VIP band to get in.

I am, though, going out tonight. I’m waiting for friend “R” who apparently habitually late. It’s only been as of recent that I have gotten know her and is a good friend of “L” with whom we are dining and seeing a movie. I can’t remember which one, either Hollywoodland, or that other actor gone unsolved murdered movie and Black is the only name I remember.

…….

As I was waiting and typing my ride showed up. The move wasn’t very good, especially for a Brian de Palma film.

Today’s outing consisted of Dim Sum and back home where I feel safe and secure. I’ve gotten the place cleaned up so I can relax now.

Well, welcome to my very uneventful life at the moment. But what is a Toronto weekend without at least one violent death, and last night it was a young man that was attacked with a machete knife, one man shot dead, and some other guy found dead, but the paper doesn’t say why.

We can no longer boast about “how safe” Canadian cities are these days. Montreal had their third “gun man on a rampage à la Columbine” since 1982 last week.

At least the sun is shining today, and I’m off to watch more episodes of LOST.

Oh ya, Gina, I’m not sure if you’ve read any of those short stories that I have on the side of my blog, but all of that is based on real-life events. I’ve only composited one or two people. But other than a bit of dramatic flare every now and then, it’s all basically my experiences. I have to get back to writing more; I have a few more installments.

The funny thing is I have so much material to work with from under the age of fifteen that there will be a lot of those short stories happening. They are just way too long to try to post on here.

Condi fucking Peter?

2006-09-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

You know you're not feeling well when...

2006-09-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

you give the Swiss Chalet guy $20.50 for a order coming to 16.52 and asking for a dollar back while watching him walk away with all the money, and not saying anything else.

Yes, I didn't have it in me to even get on this guy to come back and give me the loonie (our dollar coin, it has a loon on it -- I know that's really gay) that I asked for in the first place.

What's next? Well, other than the 182 dollar phone bill! Who knew that a 27 minute call to Guatemala?

Here we go again.

2006-09-15T11:32:00.001-07:00

I was wondering exactly how long it was going to take, but it finally happened. No not the Pope supposedly (I haven’t read what he said) slagging the Muslims. I guess he got bored telling us Canadians how immoral we are for having redefined the “terms of reference” for marriage.

No, I finally puked on these meds. Last night was not a bad night sleep, I got up to little Buster trembling away. This is the tell tale sign of his needing get out and have a dump. You just feel so bad for him; the only thing you can do is jump out of bed and get him out. It’s not that it was that late, maybe 8:30, but probably has more to do with the critter always wanting to eat at night. Sound familiar? My and my dog are on the same night time hunger schedule.

Feeling very tired, I went back to bed at 10:30 and got up somewhere around 1 in the afternoon. Not bad considering the house just across the ally is getting it’s roof redone; nothing but hammering the entire time.

So, here you go, if anyone ever tells you that “you can take a pill,” and that it is not a big deal, I can tell you it is.

When I initiated the process of switching treatment, it was in the middle of April. It took three months to get the drugs while I felt my health decline slowly. Now two months after starting these pills I am here now in mid-September just getting to the throw up stage of things.

This is where all the real fun begins. Every time I eat in a restaurant I will have to know in advance where the washroom is, just in case of a rapid departure. The last time I dealt with all of this, I had to go to restaurants all the time, otherwise I wouldn’t eat.

Without any warning at all I knew I had to run. It’s funny. My stomach just turns on the drop of a dime and I start salivating, the indications that what once was, namely what you’ve just been eating, will be again. And, let’s just hope I can make to the washroom in time.

To date, other than throwing up in the Munich hotel lobby due to food poisoning, I have not puked in public. That was always my fear: I wouldn’t make it to the washroom and throw up in the middle of a restaurant.

Now, Don’t I know how to stop a room from talking!

I’m heading over to a friend’s place across the street for a smoke. He has a lovely house and back yard. The problem is that he’s got a boyfriend, not that we are fucking. Boyfriends get jealous. The only time I really was around my friends boyfriend was at a his birthday party at his place.

I was still quite Sustiva’d out. It maybe had been a week since I had started it. So I stuck to mostly people I knew and with which I feel comfortable. There was one couple, the poor things that I latched on to and chatted with them. I just couldn’t do the smoozing thing.

The truth is I like his boyfriend. He seems like a lot of fun, and looks like he’d be one of those fun piggy fucks. I’m sure the two of them would be nasty fun.

But not one week after starting all this shit.

Anyway, I’m heading out. But I do have the bit of personal information that people don’t know, especially for Gina. My dad is a retired customs officer in Winnipeg.

It was him that I discussed the best way to smuggle in my meds with me to the United States. What are fathers for?

As kids we went all the time to the airport to visit him and he let us play on those old-fashioned luggage carrousels, show us confiscated items such as ivory or some animal that had been taxidermied, and other shit that I don’t really remember.

My dad, Ron, ended up sleeping with the 18-year-old French instruction who became my “belle mère” and is the mother of my half-brother, and half-sister (she doesn’t like it when I say “half” but I only do that so that the dots are connected, I consider a “full” sister).

This is the sister that found my escorting website. A story for another day!

An Antiretroviral Induced View of the City

2006-09-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

This is what being on meds make the city look like to me.

Fun in Toronto

2006-09-13T15:29:00.000-07:00

Look what went on in a hotel that I used to spend a lot of time in. And, it's not what you're thinking. When I came in for meetings, way back years ago, from either Regina or Winnipeg.

Countdown beginsl

2006-09-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

apx. four more weeks until I'm off of Sustiva. The EAP (expanded access program) is getting set for the beginning of October. Who knows, maybe it will be faster, and it will be the first week of October. In any case, it will be soon. I'll look forwarad to my moods settling down. I wonder what the brand name will be of TMC125.

It's bad enough I have trouble remembering one name, but three gets a litle crazy. Well, really only two, the brand name and the generic name as I understand it.

123

2006-09-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

My ex and last boyfriend, Doug, is leaving Toronto tomorrow to go live in London, England. I’m not sure why he loves that god-forsaken city, but there are millions of people who live there who do love it.

I need to go back there one day and erase my last memory of being in London which was a terrible experience. I had this experience written down somewhere, and then with all my iLemon data losses, I’m not sure if I still have it.

Doug and I were more like best friends than anything else, and remained friends over the last three years. He’s lived his entire life here, so I can understand why he needs to make a change in his life. Me, I’ve lived in several cities, and provinces etc. I’ve had those kinds of life changes.

Even though we didn’t get together frequently, I’m finding myself really down about the fact that he is leaving? Is it the Sustiva accentuating normal feelings? I’m not sure.

Why couldn’t he have moved to France, at least I would have come to visit. How I describe London is:

“For the amount of money it costs to be there, you gotta love the city so much that when you get home, you’re going to wanna jerk off all over the post-cards!”

And I can safely say that London doesn’t do that for me. Even before that the UK never interested me much, mostly because my relatives were from all over the UK. We went there as children, and I even spent a summer in Port Glasgow as a wee lad.

There’s just something about the UK, I guess, that is just too close to my own experience. I like things that are different from my own experience, and I think that’s what draws me to language, as language opens the doors to new worlds. England for me is a world that I already know, and feel too comfortable in.

Now this makes three people over the last couple of months that have left the city. I’m starting to feel like I did in those early Winnipeg days, always being depressed as friends, one after another, moved away to either Toronto or Vancouver.

Speaking of the UK, it’s a nasty grey and wet day out there. At least he’s getting a head start for what’s in store.

Another part of me is jealous, as it was always my dream to move back to Europe. It was only a year or two after I came back to Winnipeg that I found out I was positive and that, my friends, killed my dream of living anywhere else other than Canada. Mind you, you have to bare in mind the context of the times, there was no treatment, it was a death sentence, and was only a matter of when not if.

At least in the United States, you have so much choice to where you can live, and what type of climate you want. Here it’s just cold, colder and coldest. Sure, sure, Vancouverites say they live in the tropics, and within Canada, it is a much warmer climate, but it still rains, rains and rains, and just when you think it can’t rain anymore, it rains again. Either way I’d be suicidal.

The birthday party was fun last night, even though the birthday girl who is ALWAYS late, decides to arrive early, so there went the surprise element. We put her to work putting up the tacky streamers, and lawn sign.

I think today, I’m just going to hibernate in my apartment and saunter out only to get more episodes of Lost, and to do my laundry.

Yes, the glamour never ends.

belated

2006-09-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

Since the entire media world almost went for a 5-year post 9/11 retrospective, I forgot
to give mine. I'll make it short. I just got back from Amsterdam the night before from doing a video in Italy (about 50km outside of Florance. This is an entire short story, so this is the only way I can tell it for now.

The next morning I got up, feeling as if I was living on a different plane (jet lag always does that to me. The next day I feel like I'm still in some parallel universse)and took my dog out and heard what was happening. When I got home I sat and watched it, as surreal as it was, it was all that more having just gotten back from Europe.

I had to get back for the 11th, as my boyfriend's 40th birthday was that day.

So now I'm not sure whether to say happy death or birthday. How bizzare to have this event irestrictably linked to you birthday.

He's moving to London, England in two days, and I'm going to miss him. We should have known an Anglophile and a Francophile would never last long.

Another Retonavir day

2006-09-12T07:48:00.000-07:00

This shit just gets worse before it gets better. My pot vaporizer died yesterday after it's 90 day warauntee, so I suggest that you don't get that one. Seems to be a lot of problems with it.

I had met Steven yesterday at a coffee shop. I just realized that I don't have him down as a link. Now I do. I thought he is a cute and nice guy. Me, on the other hand was feeling the Retonavir ickies, and on top of it unknowingly took a "sugarless" drink, and all those sugar substitutes make me quite nauseous. So most of the time I felt green, so the next time we meet up, I hope to feel much better.

Then I tried stretching at the gym next door, and that lasted about twenty minutes before I headed home for another night of LOST.

I just took my pills an hour ago, so that good ole shitty feeling should be settling in anytime soon. On top of it, I have a birthday party to go to. I have no choice as I picked up all the stuff at the dollar store for it. We are doing it up like a little kid's birthday party, so I got the lawn sign, lots of balloons, streamers, birthday hats, and off course the birthday pinata to be filled with dollar store candies.

Yesterday was probably one of the worst Retonavir days, and I hope that today is better.

My very last words of serosorting.

2006-09-12T07:16:00.000-07:00

If you looked at the email I received it read at the very last line:

"After September 26th there will no longer be an excuse why HIV cannot be stopped."

This is where I take exception. To take something that is so frought with problems, and
yes may prevent some HIV transmissionm and make these kinds of claims are absurd.

This really for me is akin to how the marihuana legalization activists use the medical marihuana issue to further their own agenda of full decriminalization of pot. When Calm asked me to sign over my growing rights to them, knowing full well it was illegal do to so, in an effort to set up a legal challenge.

I see even here within the emails of the poz social group (so I've been told) there is this excessively keen promotion of this. I have to ask why? If you want to fuck other positive guys, then go for it. But don't push this agenda on me, and certainly don't push it on me as some form of HIV prevention, and moral obligation to society at large.

And this is what concerns me, the assertion of the accusation of my resentment of being rejected by negative guys has lead me to my conclusions about this as a prevention tool, is really quite funny. I think it's probably the positive guys who are promoting this who feel more that way than I do.

I'm sorry but I don't want to live in a community that shuns me because I have sexual relationships with HIV negative men. That seems to be quite the opposite to me. This appears to be the dynamic. Yes there are personal choices, and I have friends who much prefer to be in relationships with other HIV positive men. However, if serosorting becomes so "legitimate, and entrentched" then I will be living in a community that will be judging me for going to the baths (for heavens sake I may have had sex with someone HIV negative -- god forbid!) or being in a sero-discordant relationship, or however else I choose to live my live.

"After September 26th there will no longer be an excuse why HIV cannot be stopped."

So no excuse after September 26th, so are we then to blame those who didn't follow this serosorting prevention strategy?

I don't know, but if this is the world that New York and San Francisco live in, it's not the world for me.

I've outlined my reasons for not thinking this public health tool or strategy, and lets call a spade a spade, this is for those who just want to fuck in the manner of their choosing and not worring about HIV transmission.

Then when some rumblings came out of San Francisco that the decline in HIV infection mighthave contributed to it, despite all the data that shows where the flaws in this logic lay, the poz and neg only camps grabbed a hold of this to promote this particular agenda. And in my view, the pozzies want this just as much or more than the negative camp. To be honest, I don't know what the negative camp thinks, as those kinds of folks self-select out before I become in contact with them. But there is this real need on the part of a certain segment of HIV positive individuals who want to be very segregationist.

The problem is that you can shoot so many holes through this, if you are going to promote it on that basis.

It is also one thing to let things naturally evolve, such as they are, than to actually go out and actively promote this as public health tool etc. etc. that I've gone on in droves about already.

There was also a community-based study presented at the CAHR conference (HIV research conferenc) in Quebec City last spring which showed that gay men most often engaged in risky sex because of the preception of "peer or social pressure." And I can tell you from experience, that if you reach for a condom at a sex party where most of the guys are barebacking, you'll be looked at like a freak. Me, who, I am sure will be labelled anti-sex, anti-negative and anti-whatever, a former escort, has found it hard to assert myself in group sex settings to use condoms. I'm not exactly an inexperienced guy.

I do, though, now make a point of using them the majority of the time with someone else who is positive. The exception is one fuckbuddy/friend with whom we've been doing this for a long time. I've gotten his virus a long time ago, and he's not on drugs, so I don't have to worry about drug-resistant virus, and that hasn't happened for quite sometime. I understand the feeling of being more secure with someone of the same status, but again, not as a health promotion strategy.

The norm these days seems to be more often than not to use them. Geez, does some guy want to be rexposed to that HPV getting burned out of my ass? Does another positive guy really need my VERY highly drug resistant mutations of HIV?

When we are speaking of the broader concept of public health this is where I take issue.

An exaggerated analogy would be that of the rhythm method, you just never know what you'll end up with.

Maybe the Pope would sanction this?

Random thoughts at 4 am.

2006-09-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

I'm treating you to live blogging insomnia at 4:30 am. This is a pattern for many Sustiva takers. The problem with me, once my body is trained to do something, like wake up at a certain time, I'll continue on doing it. So I guess I'll be needing those clonazapams for a wee bit longer.

Aren't these pills fun.

Tonight coming home after taking the dogs out, I reached for the door handle and there was a condon hanging on it. It didn't look used, but still, nice nevertheless.

There was a crazy woman on the street walking on the opposite side of the street to me. She was no where based in reality yelling and making all sounds of foolish handmovments that you just know are the hallmarks of true urban insanity gone amuck due to government cutbacks.

But still when she got to the corner of the street the light had just turned red and she waited for the green to cross, makes you wonder about the fine line between insane behaviour and what somes tims seems to be the insanity of my life. Insanity is not always such a bad thing, the real truth as Lilly Tomlin points out "reality" is only for those who cannot handle insanity.

As fucked up as her hed was she knew to stop at a red light, sounds a lot like me. LIfe can get insane and you still know where that survival instinct is, at least it was for me. Ok, that instinct went on holiday a a few times when I overdosed and almost died, but other than that, it's worked pretty good:)

Yesterday I had to go through the Cabbatown Festival three times to get my DVDs. I started by grabbing two copies of Rome, unfortunately I didn't check and I picked up two disc twos. WHen I got home this is when I discover this.

Sinec it was out, I took the first two discs of LOST (I'm addicted to it until I finish it) and exchanged them.

When I got home one of the security tags had not been taken off the casing and I could not open it. Once again, with meds induced fatigue I head back, and get it taken out.

Don't you hate it when you have to make three trips to one place just to be able to relax?

LOST

2006-09-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been about renting LOST and catching up for the next season since I'm doing the Retonavir acclimatization process of all these meds.

The day starts with feeling a bit foggy, that wears off and by breakfast I’m feeling pretty good. Then I do my shot and then eat breakfast, take my pills, and then look at emails. This is a good time to look them as I’m fresh and the Retonavir ickies have not set in.

Then the lost feeling sets in. The day starts to seem a bit metaphorically greyer and my stomach initiates queasy to nauseous mode, and fatigue majorly sets in my mid afternoon.

I know this is a temporary phase of just getting used to this stuff, but it definitely leaves you with a feeling of being lost at sea. You are really never quite sure how long or bumpy the ride may be, and you just hope that the rescue will come sooner than later. That’s how it feels dealing with this stuff.

What keeps me going is the knowledge of my six weeks in Puerto Vallarta in this penthouse from Feb. 1 to March 15th, and the fact that “this too shall pass.” It just seems like when you are in the middle of it the only thing you can feel is that sense of infinity.

So I have an aquarium that looks a bit better than the photo, and at night with only that light on, I love to get lost just watching the fish swim back and forth.

The other thing I like to do is go out on my wee bit of outdoor space an take in the every stagnant Toronto skyline (although with Trump Tower, Adelaide Centre – part two, The Ritz-Carlton and a few other building should make it a bit more interesting.

When I look in the other direction I see the rooftops of the Victorian homes and the trees of Cabbagetown, the neighborhood’s name.

I can’t wait until this Retonavir shit finishes and I can start feeling a bit more normal again. I’ll be quite happy to get off the Sustiva in about a month, so that will make me “only” slightly less crazy.

So this is what I do when I feel adrift, watch episodes of LOST, go out on the balcony, take the dogs for walks in Cabbagetown, and watch peacefully into my aquarium.

I think I just opened up my box, or at least Pandora's

2006-09-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

I had no idea that I'd be lighting a fire that would burn such conrtoversy! Here is someone who has their take on this. Of course, I've linked to someone who is not supportive of this idea. But hey, again, this is my blog, and that is my perogative. You don't have to like my opinion. Here is thep pro serosorting website

Make up you own mind, since when did my opinion have such power over others? The other post is how I feel about the subject, everyone has a right to their own, and at times we will just have to disagree.

And let's make one thing clear at this point, I am taking about Canada. We are not the same as the US, and the same US style strategies do not necessarily transport over here, take the anti-meth campaigns, where the tendancy was to demonize crystal meth, and that approach didn't seem to translate well here (not without some heated debate though). Even in the 80s, the Canadian AIDS Society's safer sex guidelines or risk assessment came under fire south of the border for catagorizing oral sex in a minimal risk catagory.

I don't know about other Canadians, but I do not worry in the slightest that there would be some legal case in Canada forcing only those who are positive to have sex with other people who are positive. Even within the American context, I still stand hold to my belief, have homogenous sero sex parties, but don't call it prevention. I don't think public health in Toronto are going to come out with any serosorting social marketing campaign anytime soon.

But maybe I'm missing something my fellow Canadians can help me with?

Yes, I've had to work hard at the exclusionary nature of both sides of the sero-spectrum. I've met just as many poz guys who will refuse a negative guy as those the other way around.

I used to get pissed off about it, but really in the end I have to ask, "How does that affect my day-to-day life?" Absolutely nada, however, espousing serosorting as the ultimate HIV prevention tool, then I do have a say on that.

To dismiss me as somoene who is bitter from rejection for my views on serosorting as the ultimate HIV prevention tool, to be frank, I find offensive.

Again, I will always say this disclaimer, I am not the ultimate expert of everything. I do, though, have some pretty frequent exposure to information. Some of it I retain, some of it I forget, and some of it, I just plain don't understand.

So before you start your psychological profiling of me here are some unknown facts about me.

Facts you may not know about me:

Where was I born? Winnipeg, Manitoba

Number of cities I’ve lived in? Six. Five in Canada, One in France

How long do you think you've been positive?
The diagnosis was in 1987, but we all know that's not the date of exposure, and if you read back to my Danny Mathew's story, you'll know that at leasat one of my exposures came in 1984.

When did I first go public with my status?

1987

How many times have I been rejected due to my HIV status (and I had to think long and hard about this one)?

Since 1987, I’ve dealt with five occasions where I have been rejected by HIV negative guys. (two clients, one guy in St. Martin, and two guys met off the internet).

This is why I reject the assumption that I am bitter because I have been so badly rejected due to my status.

I also do my own form of what I call "self-selection" and that is just have my status out there, and let the chips fall where they may. This has worked well for me. If there is someone with whom I’d have a problem, they’d self-select out, leaving room for cool guys, and pleasant encounters, with both HIV positive, and negative alike.

What was the most negative reaction I’ve had due to my status?

That’s a hard one. There were two things that happened in 1990 in Regina. One was I was not invited to a dinner party because there was a fear of transmission from dishes, and the other was a dental hygienist who gave my confidential home phone number to her husband and I had to do an hour of counseling over the phone to the man accusing me of causing this crisis in their lives, as his wife was not aware of my status at the time.

Then there is the issue of not being able to travel legitimately to the United States, and I have to do some testing thing for Australia for a visa for over three months (if I am correct on that one).

“Neggies” was a term of endearment I started with a bunch of negative friends quite sometime ago. There was nothing at all malicious in its nature, if anyone wants to add that construct to it, then go ahead, but that’s that what it’s all about.

How did my family find out that I was HIV positive?

Most I told myself, although those with who I was not close, i.e. my father who only called twice a year, found out through television.

How many different medications have I been on?

I think we counted something like 15 when I went for my Fuzeon bioinjector assessment. I’ll have to check that out.

Have I just only gone the traditional medicine route?

No, in fact I started with a Naturopath, as there were not treatments outside of 1200 mg daily doses of AZT that was killing people. I started the combination therapy in 1996 and over the course of the last ten years I have not been able to tolerate them. And, in fact I have a weekly appointment with a naturopath doctor once a week.

My belief is that no one approach on its own is sufficient, and combining the two has been the best path for me to follow.

What are the things that I struggle with the most?

Right now, my struggle is dealing with my Sustiva, which has highlighted my real need for some anger management strategies. Sustiva, for me, just brings out the craziness that is there on a much more simmered level. Somehow on Sustiva, it gets magnified and my ability to hold back is incredibly different. So this is a learning period for me, and good in some ways. I’ll be glad to be off of it in month or so.

The other med struggle is the Retonavir, and over time hopefully it will get better. The usual struggles you’d find with someone HIV positive tend not to be what I deal with. I’ve had very little negative reaction to my status, despite being in the media. I am not bound by the struggle of when to disclose and when not. I have good housing, and beside the meds a decent standard of live.

My family has been very supportive, and I’ve never dealt with any rejection on the part of my family. When I hear stories from those who have, I feel great sadness that a family could turn their back on one of their own like that.

I struggle with letting in people close, especially in a relationship. I got a lot of work to do on that one. Some very bad experiences, coupled by a number of years with bad episodic illness had left me in a state of “learned helplessness” in terms of relationships and life itself. I'm not sure if I'm a natural "loner" or if I just keep a wall out prohibiting anyone getting too close? I've been a loner my entire life, so this is not a new behaviour.

After dealing with the Meth issue, the health, and getting a completely fallen apart life together again, I find myself here. It’s not perfect, but I am happy with the incredible progress I’ve made.

What are the good things going on in my life?

I have so much good stuff going on that sometimes I forget that and focus on what I don’t have. I have some really good friends, two great dogs who keep me going on the days where I don’t want to get out of bed.

I’ve been privileged to be able to travel a far amount, and it appears that is not about to stop. I’ve learned how to channel my addiction to excitement in healthier ways such as the action I took on for the International AIDS Conference, working with the province on drug benefit reforms and other geeky stuff that others would find boring, but I find very rewarding.

The other thing is that I’ve had an opportunity to reconnect with the great people I lost touch with during my long absence from the AIDS world. These are real quality people compared to the former “drug friends.”

This project of turning writing into a one-person play is a major project I’m looking forward to, and fits into the excitement junkie part of me. I’ve never done anything like this, well I’ve performed, but with my clothes off and I didn’t have to talk, before.

P.S. my mother is a psychologist so if you want a more accurate analysis you can email me and I'll send you her email for the complete low down, including highlights from when I was younger than ten. Early childhood trauma might be a fun subject for readers and my mother to engage in!

Nearly all HIV infections come from undiagnosed people

2006-09-10T08:28:00.000-07:00

HIV-positive individuals who do not know they have HIV may be the source of between 54% and 70% of all new sexually transmitted HIV infections, according to a "conservative" calculation from the USA. This would mean targeted HIV testing campaigns and broader-based HIV screening of the population, could have a major impact on future HIV infection rates.

Understanding who is more likely to transmit HIV helps us make our minds up on some of the contentious issues in HIV prevention like universal testing and sero-sorting, and the wisdom of criminalising HIV transmission, which tends to penalise people already aware of their HIV status.

Undiagnosed twice as likely to have risky sex

Last year, the researchers found untested but HIV-positive individuals were more than twice as likely to have high-risk sex than people who know they are HIV-positive. This year the same researchers used a mathematical formula to work out how much HIV transmission came from people who are diagnosed compared with those with HIV who do not know this.

They estimate that the proportion of sexually transmitted HIV from HIV-positive individuals unaware of their infection ranges from 54% to 70% depending on the number of sex partners.

The results show at least 3.5 times more infections come from people who are positive but don’t know this. They add that their estimates are "conservative", since their formula did not take into account sexually transmitted infections (STIs) such as syphilis or gonorrhoea, which increase the likelihood of transmitting or contracting HIV. Since people who don’t know they are positive are more likely to have other STIs, they say "the contribution to transmission from the unaware group may be even larger than the estimates given here."

This excerpt taken from: george house trust

The Canadian context: approximately 25% of cases of HIV infection are undiagnosed, and I don't have a breakdown to sub-populations such as Aboriginal, MSM etc. I would suggest it may be different depending on the population.

Another little tid bit from an abstract

here are a number of limitations to our findings. We did not ask whether participants interpreted their practice as serosorting, rather evidence of 'serosorting' was inferred from information provided by respondents about their UAIC [unprotected anal intercourse with casual partners] partners. Furthermore, our findings may be limited to men who have annual or frequent HIV tests, but this applies to the great majority of gay men in Australia.

For men who have not been diagnosed as HIV positive, 'serosorting' is based on the assumed serostatus of both self and casual partners. Such a practice, especially if used as a deliberate strategy to replace consistent condom use with casual partners, is highly problematical. First, even if both partners are, indeed, HIV-negative, unprotected anal intercourse still carries risks of other sexually transmitted infections, which can facilitate HIV transmission [12]. Second, the assumed HIV-negative status of self or of casual partners does not necessarily correspond with the actual HIV status as seroconversion may have occurred since the last HIV test. This particularly pertains to countries in which the level of HIV testing is low, regular HIV testing has not yet been widely adopted, or HIV incidence is high. Third, assuming that all casual sex partners will honestly disclose their HIV status is unrealistic. Serosorting in casual encounters is not the same as 'negotiated safety' [2,13]. Finally, the exchange of information about each other's assumed HIV status is often not practised through direct face-to-face verbal discussion but rather is implied or inferred from non-verbal cues [1,2,14], making it even more problematical than when such a discussion does occur. In this context, the perception of a casual partner's HIV status may also be related to certain degrees of familiarity between them.

Future research should investigate reasons for the increase in 'serosorting' among HIV-negative MSM, including the role of the Internet, as serosorting can be easily facilitated through the Internet [9,15-17]. Whether online HIV status disclosure is the main reason for this increase is worthy of examination.

Policy makers, educators and researchers in the HIV prevention field should be alerted to this phenomenon of HIV-negative 'serosorting' in casual sex, and investigate whether this is indeed a new trend. They need to address this issue in prevention messages to make gay and bisexual men aware of the risks of HIV-negative serosorting with casual partners. One way forward may be to ensure that education and prevention materials differentiate clearly the consequences of serosorting among HIV-positive men from those among HIV-negative men.

Serosorting' in Casual Anal Sex of HIV-Negative Gay Men is Noteworthy and is Increasing in Sydney, Australia
AIDS: Volume 20(8) 12 May 2006 p 1204-1206
NATAP http://natap.org/

* Mao, Limin; Crawford, June M - National Centre in HIV Social Research, Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, Australia
* Prestage, Garrett P; Grulich, Andrew E; Kaldor, John M - National Centre in HIV Epidemiology and Clinical Research, Faculty of Medicine, the University of New South Wales, Sydney, Australia
* Hospers, Harm J; Kippax, Susan C - Department of Experimental Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, Maastricht University, Maastricht, the Netherlands.

Abstract

Let's just do what the fuck ever we want to do!

2006-09-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

I have to rant again! I was sent this email through my CTAC email list. How they got a hold of it I don’t know. If this movement comes to Toronto, I will be the first out publicly to denounce it, at least as an HIV prevention method. Click on image to enlarge.

Now here is an excerpt from something Robert Sandor (I find three names to be a bit pretentious).

Now here is a little excerpt for some thing I found from him on the net:

But in a broader sense, serosorting is about much more than just stopping HIV transmissions. Whenever two HIV-positive people—gay or straight, men or women—hook up for sex, it is about respect: respect for one’s self-esteem, respect for one’s partners, and respect for our society. It also helps HIV-positive people avoid the stigma of our serostatus, to meet friends and partners like ourselves, to gain a sense of belonging, and to remind ourselves of what we are—alive and productive members of our society.

As a rule, since my first party, I have always provided condoms for people who want them, because some HIV-positive people are worried about becoming superinfected or catching a sexually transmitted disease other than HIV. But regardless of whether condoms are used, HIV transmissions to uninfected people do not occur at my parties—or any other time HIV-positive people engage in serosorting. Those who are HIV-negative remain protected against the virus.

And that is a goal we all should work toward.

__________________________________________________________

I don’t even know where to start with this one. But first let’s call a spade a spade here, some HIV positive guys only like together with other HIV positive guys. There is nothing wrong with that, but to pretend that this is some wave of the future of HIV prevention by attempting to ghettoize something that you cannot contain in a ghetto, is complete folly (to be nice). There is no nice little line that you can draw between “us and them” when it comes to preventing risk of transmission.

I’m not surprised by this kind of silliness, especially coming out of New York where guys neurotically post their last “negative test result date” so they can bareback with other negative guys. Well I shouldn’t make that assumption, as I am sure they sometimes use condoms but think that this form of “risk reduction” is something that is actually be of anything of use. The same thing can be said of the poz guys.

This notion of serosorting goes against everything I believe in. I don’t want to be lumped within a sub-group and told that’s the only way to go, and I have to stay there. Ever since I found out I was HIV positive, I never once tried to throw myself into a group of only positive friends, sex partners or boyfriends. Why the fuck would I want to do that? Almost 98 percent of my relationships, dating whatever post diagnosis has been with negative guys.

Whenever two HIV-positive people—gay or straight, men or women—hook up for sex, it is about respect: respect for one’s self-esteem, respect for one’s partners, and respect for our society. It also helps HIV-positive people avoid the stigma of our serostatus, to meet friends and partners like ourselves, to gain a sense of belonging, and to remind ourselves of what we are—alive and productive members of our society.

I can’t think of a bigger crock of shit. I see no linkages in serodiscordant sexual activity that would ever suggest that I don’t have respect for my own serostatus, let alone someone else’s.

All this does is plant the seed that you need to "stick with your own" in order to have any kind of self-esteem and respect. Well then, maybe sero-sorting should be furthered drilled down to groups of same ethno-cultural backgrounds as well.

In my opinion, you don’t close down within a group to find a sense of belonging. You know what, a sense of belonging takes work. If we just recoil back and say ok the only way I can gain a sense of belonging is by only seeking out others who are just the same as myself, then this is NOT a world I want to live in.

Let’s be honest here, there are reasons why one may one to have a relationship sexual or otherwise with someone else positive. It can be nice to be around someone who can relate and understand what we go through in our day-to-day lives. But do I constantly want to be around it? FUCK NO!

I think it is very disingenuous to say this about protecting those poor HIV negative fellows out there, thus by virtue of sero-sorting that somehow we are contributing to some form of common good.

Bullshit, I say. We all have our right to choices, and if that’s what you want great, but don’t pretend that somehow this is a benevolent act of kindness to our great responsibilities to you larger society.

In fact what this says is: “Just do what you want, bareback or don’t, just as long as you keep this virus amongst yourselves, then that’s all we care about.”

This philosophy flies in the face of individual responsibility of not only protecting others, but themselves in the long run.

Let’s see what are my other issues with this:

• Re-infection with more virulent or drug-resistant mutation of virus

• HPV, HCV, HEP A, B,& C, Syphilis, LGV, parasitical and many other sexually transmitted diseases.

• People lie (that’s for you negative folks), or think they are negative when they are not (see below)

• A new infection (called the acute infection phases) is more virulent than an established Infection thus rendering it more infectious to all those negative guys who this by just saying “HIV Neg UB2.” Can you say a cluster of infections potentially making it’s way through this population faster than you can type "UB2"

• There have been studies that counter argue the San Francisco study that came to the conclusion that sero-sorting was why HIV infection rates were down in SF. I don't have them on the tip of my finger, but if I still have my SF contact, I may be able to get a hold of some of that counter serosorting data.

• This also conveys the messages, “Who the fuck cares what the positive guys do to each other as long as they (hiv neg guys) are at a safe distance from us.” Personally this message leaves me with nothing other than an icky feeling, and with great irony as this notion is espoused by someone who is positive himself.

In conclusion, if you are more comfortable around your own serostatus that is one thing. It is very much another to tout this as an HIV prevention strategy, as if HIV is the only thing we have to worry about.

I don’t care if you are positive or negative these days, if you are going around and having tons of unprotected sex with a lot of different guys, I’m not interested in picking up the fruits of your labour (STDs) without having fucked all the guys in the first place. This is why I am not interested in bare-backers. I’m not interested in getting their STDs that they’ve managed to pick up while they’ve fucked as many guys as humanly possible to fill some unmet need in their lives.

Or is it that gay men are just that selfishly immature to not be able to draw the line between hedonism, and “What I want” opposed to “What is best for everyone?”

I know, because I used to be there. But there comes a time and place when we all have to grow up and say, “Is this in the best interest of my health? Of someone else’s health?” And I had to drill my health into the ground before I got that message!

I don’t think these two questions really get answered in the touting of sero-sorting.

So here we are in the day with HIV positive men themselves are advocating for a serological apartheid as a public health strategy. How completely fucking stupid!

I’d not be ranting if this was just some group for HIV positive guys to get together, sexual or otherwise, but claiming this to be “harm reduction strategy” is incredibly myopic ignoring all the other perils of not using condoms, especially when one is HIV positive.

Just as I have said many times, stupidity falls on both sides of the sero-spectrum. Geez as long as you HIV negative guys don’t become infected, then I guess we can just do whatever the hell we want!

Use a condom and save a tree!

2006-09-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I was over having dinner with at my friend Glen’s place, conveniently located a floor below me, we began reminiscing as someone from Winnipeg who knew some of the same people I did (and we are talking over twenty-years ago).

We went off on a tangent of what it was like back then, as originally the person my friend last thought about which I was speaking was someone else, someone dead. But then he put it together. However it did get us going.

So Glen says to me, “Does anyone get Kaposi’s Sarcoma anymore?

Me: “Yes, but it’s so rare, but I have seen a few still get KS lesions.”

Glen: “God remember when people got that back in the 80s, you never really see it anymore.”

Me: “Ya if you went up to some 24-year-old gay guy in the village and asked him if he knew what Kaposi's Sarcoma was, you’d probably get “Is that Latin for ‘sarcastic?’”

And that got me going, on a tangent of Miss Retro Virus’s long lost cousin Cap “Osi” Sarcoma, that’s Latin for Sarcastic!”

And completely unrelated:

The other day while I sitting in my doctors office, he was wading through the mound of paperwork that made up my file.

That’s when I piped up, “You know, it just occurred to me getting AIDS is not very green!”

Why my infection alone must of cleared off several square acres of the rainforest in Brazil!

A new reason to eradicate HIV, it’s bad for green house gasses, and global warming!

Who knew?

Looks like some of my fostered T cells bit the dust, I'd better get a hold of their sponsors!

2006-09-07T15:58:00.000-07:00

And before any of you fret, I'll be growing you some new ones soon. I just have to find some aborted embryo to fix me some stems cells. Ahhh, if it were to be that easy (notice the use of the subjunctive for all you guys who get off on it like me)!!!

But my well over $4000 dollars a month drug costs should be making you up an entire new family of critters to call your own. Don't let the little ones cry, their Tom T Cell will be back. just tell you poor children that some of them went the way of Willy the goldfish, the toilet. But with a spending spree of thousands of dollars to get some new ones, you won't be deprived my little ones.

Now momentarily moving on, for the bilingual part of the show. Here you can see that my self-editing skills are shit in both of Canada's official languages!.

Salut mes copains français! Moi j’ai vu qu’il y avait des visiteurs du bons pays de la France! Ahhh, comme je rêve de passer quelques semaines en France, à Paris, et puis quelques-unes à Aix-en-Provence grâce à la vitesse du TGV. Dommage que nous ayons notre system préhistorique et lent, même le train rapide prends au moins 4 heures (si l’on est si chanceux de ne pas avoir aucun délai) pour aller à Montréal, de 500 de Km de distance (à peu près)!

Now, it’s back to English. I had seen that there had been a few people from France coming through. There really isn’t much rhyme or reason to it all. Yesterday for some reason I got the most hits I’ve ever gotten in a day since I’ve been checking, and I haven’t got a clue why. The stats are limited as it’s free, and to be frank, I don’t need to know that much that I have to pay a monthly fee. This is not about getting more hits that another site, or something else competitive, it’s about writing about the crazy shit that goes through my head.

For some reason, I’ve had the most nauseous of times from these pills now getting into the seventh and eighth week of all of this. Just like to plan. I feel like I’ve gotten a get-out-of-jail-free card from the puke train, and then my hopes once again get dashed as I witness the wonders on my last meal whirling around a bowl somewhere.

Ah the glamour. This is a very tough gig to pull off and make it look so effortless.

On the neutral-to-down side of things, I got my partially back my latest round of blood work. All I know is my CD4 dropped from the last time I had done it, which was the day I stopped treatment awaiting new treatment. The funny thing is I don’t know by how much, and I didn’t even ask. So I might have AIDS as I type, if it is below 200 T4 cells, then I definitely have AIDS, if it is above 200 T4 cells, then I don’t.

Here is a good lesson to why it’s not good to fuck around with this kind of shit. Too bad that the pharmaceutical companies, governments, and at times doctors have to fuck with peoples lives as they move at glacial paces to render simple decisions with life altering consequences.

The three months that I was off was enough time for my T4 count to most likely drop back to its nadir (the lowest T4 count recorded) making the ride back up to full immune system reconstruction all that much harder. It’s like running out of gas on a hill, and then you start to move backwards.

And they wonder why I’d get a bit testy when things aren’t going my way, and I’m having to deal with asinine delays, and unnecessary appointments across town. I guess they figure, “Ah he’s got AIDS, he’s got all day to travel back and forth for bullshit.”

Well, contrary to popular belief, we just don’t sit around in bed waiting for our final moment, only to be interrupted by incessant appointments to counsellors, chiropractors, study nurses, lessons on how to inject Fuzeon (like I need lessons with needles), nutrition apts, specialists (when necessary), getting high cell grade cell dysplasia burned out of my ass, and the odd visit to the grocery store and pay bills.

Sometimes I really wonder what the fuck they think we do all day.

Anyhow, I’m not as cranky as I sound. The CD4 will go up, it’s just going to take some time, and I have not gotten the viral load, but I know it went up well over 500,000 copies per ml. as that’s where it was pre-treatment and it goes that way with STI (no not sexually transmitted infections but structured treatment interruptions). Hopefully by the three-month mark things will be looking up.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2006-09-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

Buster has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; I'm convinced of it. And before anyone suggests that living with Miss Retro Virus would drive anyone to a psychological breakdown, I'll just say it once again; I'm only speaking of humans when I say that. Don't be so literal

He's just never been the same since they jackhammered apart the balconies. It got to the point where he'd tremble like when you have a bad fever and you put your entire body into it, just from hearing the workmen on site talking.

Today they were testing the fire alarms, I completely forgot. Now he's traumatized for another year. Even the alarms going off while in the park next door was making him want to flee the park

This one's for Butchie

2006-09-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

Finally, "The Epiphany"

2006-09-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

Quick Confession from a girl after my own heart!

2006-09-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

Sustiva Song Writing

2006-09-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

Vicky Explained

2006-09-06T10:49:00.000-07:00

My New Role Models

2006-09-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

Samantha Bee shows the future of Canadian politics

2006-09-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

Will this be the future of Canadian politics with the Republicanadians in power? I prefer Samantha's version of a fake town hall.

Delayed Gratification and other challenges

2006-09-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

I'm forced to deal with delayed gratification, and wait for that video camera; at least until after the holidays, unless they have some really good sales. I’m going to have to stay away from the hard drive models until they’ve worked themselves out. There is a HD Sony model that looks good using removable media, and switch from HD and Standard Definition.

I’ve been wanting to fuck around with video for quite some time now. Please note the preposition employed, with, not on. Those days of fornicating follies on film are behind me, so to speak. But I think it would be cool have a moving medium to work with.

Videopod casts might be fun to make from time to time. I still want to make my mock ad for Canada’s Next Top Pharma Model. I haven’t gotten it all worked out yet, but there will be one you never actually get to see because his or her head will be in the toilet all the time.

I know one of the challenges will have be an interview the night after taking their first Sustiva. You have to still pull the interview with poise and grace!

Then a week later do another interview in a small space with no air conditioning and lit with a hot white light when it’s 36 degrees outside, and still pull of your seropositivity with style and grace in both official languages. Now that’s a challenge.

For the final challenge to crown the winner, I think they’d have to go to the next International AIDS Conference and pull off something spectacular. Somehow I think the toilet-going contestant will have made it this far, but you never know.

It’s hard picking out just the right one with the “it” factor. You know, that certain combination of a sell-by-date confidence, and contentment implied by knowing there are always going to be more pills to cause one to burst out into a moment of ecstasy to be capture for the “just right” Pharma ad.

If you can pull that off, then I say you deserve to be Canada’s Next Top Pharma Model!

This is what I want!

2006-09-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

Taken from here.

At a press event in New York today, along with the unveiling of four other models, Sony announced the first hard drive based high definition camcorder, their new HDR-SR1. The HDR-SR1 uses the new AVCHD format to encode video, at up to 15 Megabits per second, to an internal hard drive. Along with the HDR-SR1, the company also announced an AVCHD camcorder which records to DVD-R disks. The HDR-SR1 has brought back many features from past Sony camcorders which were popular with prosumers, which is a clear indication of their target market on this new model.

But there was something mentioned in the thread talking about this camera that is above my head:

My complaint is in no fault to the editor of this article because Sony announced that it will be up to 24MBPS but I’ve just read a couple of Sony links that was posted on DVinfo.net claiming that the hard drive version records up to 15MBS and the DVD version records up to 12MBPS.

I know that means that it is recording slower, but what is the implication for quality?

Funny how I'v hit every category of guy to avoid, I guess they would't be wrong in this case, but it's one hell of a stupid harm reduction approach!

2006-09-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

I found this editorial very interesting. It's from Fab, kind of talking about things I've been trying to say. At least about the "category" of guys to not fuck. Read the entire editorial, I found it food for thought. Click on the article and you'll get the larger version.

The next thing I post has to be to so not about all this shit. I need to find some frivolity!

I'm very flattered.

2006-09-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

Nathan, I always new you had a crush on me, but you know this really has got to stop. I mean really, what could we possibly achieve living so far away, you in Nashville, me in Toronto. I tell you it just wouldn’t work. You know how us HIV infected guys are like, we’re hard to smuggle across the boarder into the country. Seems that we have the same status as terrorists if our meds our found trying to go into the United States.

I recently learned this when I when to a discussion at the International AIDS Conference. In 1994 for example (I didn’t have a pen to take notes, so this was the only concrete example I could remember) a Dutch man landed in Minneapolis, his AZT was found and he was put in jail for 4 days. You see, if you are caught entering with your antiretrovirals customs are permitted to detain you for as long as they please, without any right to legal representation.

And as the Americans who are fighting this discriminatory law and practices were telling us at the International AIDS Conference, “You better pack more meds than you needs, because if they catch you, they can keep you as long as they want, and you have no right to health care or medications if you don’t have them with you.”

So you see Nathan, I'm way too high maintenance.

In the end that would mean you’ll have to be coming up this way if we are to have our torrid love affair that I secretly know that you want. Why else after all these months would I still be hearing from you?

Now, I’m flattered that despite the complete over-the-top slagging I took to you, that you are still coming back to read this blog and even have taken the time to write me two emails in two days. That's way more effort I would have put into someone who completely pissed me off! I have to be honest, I only read as far as "I have to thank you for .....but for reasons you probably won't like." and just deleted the email, along with the other email.

It doesn't take me much to go off into a meltdown mode right now, as I have been explaining in previous posts, so I'm not even going to go remotely near reading something that may set up a disporportionate reaction to what is being said.

The Sustiva induced paranoia part of me thinks, hmmmm, I’ve been writing about how out of sorts I’ve been, how easy it has been to just fly off into a rage, that suddenly my dearly beloved friend has resurfaced at such an opportune time to try to see if I’d have a meltdown or something of the alike.

However, I wont let chemically induced paranoia kick when I know what it’s really about. It’s not the first time I’ve had an internet crush.

I’ll just have to let you down gently and tell you that, I’m sorry, but I’ve tried these long distance flings, and for as exciting as they can be for the first month or two, it really doesn’t work out that well.

Now on to the subject of people behaving badly. I’ve never said that there are not HIV positive individuals who are out there and behave irresponsibly.

Let me relay an old story, probably at a point in time before when my unrequited love was born, I had sex in 1985 just before I met my long term (HIV negative)boyfriend (and is still negative) with a guy named Danny Mathews. I say his name because he’s probably dead by now.

This was not the first time I had gotten together with Danny. The first night in 1983 when Danny was brought over to my place with a few other friends. He was a really hot “bad boy” kind of guy with a base bat of a cock that I loved to get fucked with.

Anyhow, he had a crazy past from living in Toronto, doing a lot of crystal, before it was the “fashionable way for HIV transmission” and recently had an ex that had to be institutionalized from all the speed they were doing. The ex had completely lost it and became delusional etc.

So here I come along, little ole 18-year-old me. We were fuck buddies off and on, but the last time I got together with him was a year and a bit later. By this time, I had moved to Vancouver for a few months, didn’t make it out there too well, then came back home, and then went off that next year to Aix-en-Province, France.

Now, let’s fast-forward to 1985 it was the summer, and Danny and I hooked up again. At this point in Winnipeg the threat of HIV, even though at this point I had lived and fucked all over Europe, and had been in Vancouver, I still didn’t think it was something that was gong to affect me. Part of that youth denial I think.

Danny fucked me as he always did, and then right away afterwards I came down with a really horrible flu. That I will never forget. It was the worst. Soon after that, I got together with Dennis and we stayed together for about five years. It was then we I started using condoms all the time, he was already been doing that for quite some time, and it was him that got me to make that behavioral shift.

So let’s fast forward again a couple of years. I’m still with Dennis, and I’m working on the AIDS/STD information line for the province. I’ve had my positive test results quite some time ago by this point and time. One call I received was by a woman named Pam (Pam is no longer with us, I think she died sometime in the early 90s)

Pam and I were talking on the phone when she said something that went “click” in my mind. She too was fucking a guy named Danny, and in fact was the same Danny Mathews. He used to tell me about this woman as well, but I never really paid attention to her name.

So now that we have connected the dots on this, we arrange to go out and meet for coffee. From our conversation, I knew that Danny knew about his HIV status, if not the first time we fucked, he did by the second time. And in fact that second time when I got sick was when Pam had gotten Hepatitis B, and few months later from this conversation when I saw my doctor, I asked her, “Do I need a Hep B. vaccination?”

“No,” she replied, you’ve already had it and are not a carrier and don’t need a vaccine now.

Now the dots where so close together that I knew for sure after our discussions, that not only did Danny know he was HIV positive, back in the day it was a death sentence, and I was pretty darn certain that I got Hep B from him as well, (believe it or not a case of crabs to boot!).

With this knowledge that someone who knew that he was infectious for HIV back in the early to mid 80’s and did not make sure that condoms where used is reprehensible. But do I sit back and play the victim? No because just as much as he was responsible for not transmitting this virus to someone else, I was just as responsible for not allowing myself to get this infection.

It takes two to dance this dance, and I didn’t live up to my end of the bargin. Even though, I still say that there bares more weight of responsibility on the positive person; however, I’m not going to stew and sit and be bitter and tell the victim story of how at least one of my exposures to HIV happened because of someone else’s reckless behaviour.

This is the earth shattering news that I try to say all the time BAD BEHAVIOUR HAPPENS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE SERO SPECTRUM. If you want to match me one and do this tit-for-tat stories of someone being reckless to counter act anything I’ve written, it won’t work.

It is a useless exercise to swap stories of “oh this guy did this to me, or that guy did this to a friend.” I’m not going to do the “I’ll raise you one, and see if you can top this.”

I only tell my Danny story because I can say I know what it feels like to have been deceived around someone not carrying about transmitting this virus to others. This does not mean that one can extrapolate this and spread it around as gospel for an entire group.

In the end, I knew what I should have been doing, and I take my responsibility in the fact that I was too shy, too insecure to be rejected to even bring up condoms. But that’s the way I was back then. And that's the way it can be for some gay men. To judge them for not being able to use the tools we think we give them by thinking that a simple AIDS 101 and condom talk, is naive and simplistic. So if people want to sit back and judge new HIV infections then go ahead, I'm not going to loose any sleep over it.

And if the barebacking obssessed crowd wants to go kill themselves through multiple resistant HIV infection, Hep C, HPV, and all the rest of it, then go ahead and knock yourselves out. There needs to be a way to confront this reality openly in the gay community that just doesn't lead to finger pointing.

This will be the crowd that's going to need all those expensive "4th line therapy" and you know, I don't think the things the way are going now that the same folks who fought hard for treatment access in the mid 90s till now are going to be around to fight for salvage therapy down the road. Why won't they be around? Because it's all the same people from the 80s and early 90s who did that work and they are tired and want a break. And with the depolitized nature of Toronto's gay community, there won't be many new leaders to take their place.

And remember, I come from the days when all gay men were the scourge of the earth when HIV first came on to the scene. I’m very sensitive to those kinds of inferences of blame and judgment. Especially from those who sit a far and feel they can extrapolate values to an entire population due to what "happened to a friend" or hearsay.

I have more important things to contend to. I have to still deal with the nauseating experiences of starting all these medications, no energy, a mental state that goes up and down at the same rate as my living room temperature with the a/c cutting in and out all the time, and take injections twice a day. When you are dealing with that kind of day to day shit, the rest is just bullshit. I have my opinions, you have yours, and we will just have to agree to disagree.

In addition to dealing with these god awful meds, I've working on two boards, one AIDS related, the other on my co-op. I’ve got projects on the go like bring a play to Toronto with a friend called “The Continuum” about two black women living with HIV, one American, the other South African. A documentary on “Social determinants of health” along with a the beginning stages of researching a “Microfinancing” project to see if what has been done for women in South Africa can be adapted to Toronto. This is going to be a challenging one for obvious reasons.

Not to mention dealing with this entire political action at the opening ceremonies of the IAC, and being in the Ontario HIV Treatment Network's documentary of following a few people around who are positive throughout the conference. I was able to do some interviews despite all these new meds with the former president of Ireland, Mary Robinson, a member of parliament, and former Minister of Public Health, Carolyn Bennett, the Federal Minister of Health, the Chief Medical officer of Health and Deputy Minister for Ontario, as well as other very interesting people. All of this was done on about three weeks after starting a seven-drug regime.

Oh Gawd, I sound like an anorexic, I did all this only on 400 calories!

I'm at research conferences, and also I'm working with many people who are HIV positive. I hear all their stories; from youth to long-term survivors. I'm not saying I know everything, but hey, if we are going to do a comparison test, knowing one person that is HIV positive, and chatter amongst friends about "did you hear" or "this happened to a friend of mine," just doesn't really compare.

So, as my friend Louise says, either you’re on this ride with me or you’re not. It doesn’t take me long to figure out who is on for the ride, and who are the cast offs.

So you see Nathan, I’m am so deeply flattered that you want to keep an ongoing relationship with me, but I just have to say, “I’m just not that into you.”

I thought you’d have figured that out by now. I’ve left your blog and opinions behind along with that post, oh I don’t know how many months ago. There is nothing you can offer me as a “fresh perspective” because, lets face it, I’ve been around a lot longer, and to many more places and have had so much more life experience that to be honest, there is very little left that you can offer up that is “fresh”.

So I don’t know if you are trying to bait me into going into a melt down, but it’s not going to work. I’m really having to work hard on this Sustiva shit to just let things go, and I suggest that you do the same.

I apologized for the “neggie on notice” thing, and took it down, and haven’t thought about you since, until these emails started appearing.

Although, it should be me thanking you, as you have given me some great quotes to highlight certain notions that I have brought up in past writings. I apologize, I don't quote the source in any manner at all. It was the inspirational messages and not the author that so much interested me.

You have a great looking blog, I’m sure you have lots of readers, and followers, it shouldn't matter to you what I think. You don't require my validation after 2 1/2 months. Just keep working on your nicely styled blog, and get on with your life.

But like I’ve said, I’ve moved on, and I suggest you do the same.

Oh Mary -- thanks to Costas

2006-09-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

I'm staying in with Ernesto this evening, but only the storm. It seems to be kicking up somewhat, enough for me not wanting to head outside. I did make it to Fran's at the Pantages location with a friend with a car. We were in Princess mode.

Not that I’d be up to much tonight anyway. Last night I ventured over to my friends place to get my haircut. Did I forget to mention it’s my best friend who lives a floor apart in my co-op? So I didn’t have far to go.

Tonight, I don’t even feel like going to that kind of effort. I passed out for a couple ours and woke up in a total sweat. Its probably my body trying to do the impossible: detox from these drugs I don’t have the heart to tell this ole carcass that it shouldn’t even bother because in a few hours I get to dump even more of them into my bloodstream.

I found this thing ….oh Swiss Chalet just buzzed up, time to take a break. You just order on the internet and ten minutes later here they are!

Oh the joys of being anti-social.

Anyhow, I just could not let go of that situation where I blew up again. Really what I did blow up about is about something much larger. Like I said, if you can drive an employee to cry over the phone then needless to say, I had some pent up unhappiness. But it was probably better let off in a different way. So the only way to go was to send an apologetic email out. Then I diverted the media issue back to the executive as the Feds today officially, on a Saturday, on a long weekend, that they would not permanently renew the supervised injection site. So there is another piece of the puzzle.

Finally, I was able to let it go. Its like the Sustiva invites this shit into your head and starts renting space. It was the only way I could kick them out.

A month, a month-and-a-half I will be going on to the non-nuke TMC125 through the Expanded Access Program. That’s how I’ve gotten access to Prezista (TMC114), so I don’t foresee any problems on that front.

Speaking of Sustiva dreams, I’ve been meaning to post this image of just what this drug can do to you!

Miss Retro Virus’s prescription to new found assertiveness: Sustiva

2006-09-01T17:23:00.000-07:00

As if I needed it!

I’m not sure what exactly is creeping up on me but anger took the best of me again. This has got to be the influence of the Sustiva. Now mind you,, I was only standing my ground to a bully. I have to deal with this personality that can be sweet as pie, or the negative obstructionalist with an unknown object to man so far up his ass that he can drive everyone crazy. Just the other week someone in our email group had expressed publicly the same thing. Let’s just say he chose to use fewer words.

Sometimes when you are volunteering, you gotta think to yourself, “Do I really have to put up with this shit?” This time apparently I took the decision of “no”. But that’s the thing with bullies they push and push as far as they can get away with.

I was bullied all the way through junior high, and high school, so much so that I refused to go back to school in grade 7 unless they put me with a different stream of students. Now they’d have a stiletto in their forehead!

Sustiva allowed me to confront that long time fear of putting a bully in his place. Perhaps I should be thanking them instead. But you know when you put a lot of thought and work on your own time on something, in this case a short-term media strategy dealing with Harper and our government, and all you get back is a list of complaints on why it’s no good, or questionable and a resounding “No” in a manner that was definite and closed.

Now this is only one person and I have a lot of support from my colleagues so that’s really not the issue. There are ways to go about things, and there are ways you do not. The ways in which make the employee you supervise cry, I suggest to you is not.

So, I freaked, in an email kind of measured way, well at least by Stephan Harper’s definition of measured. I got the support I was counting on, but I just can’t stand bullies who have empathy for the person with which they are communicating.

That's when I decided to take a vacation from all that shit and put my email on autoresponse until mid next week, and I went to see Little Miss Sunshine. I kept thinking all the time, how come I'm not in this family, as I clearly should be!

I've got the Vapours part two.

2006-08-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

Here are the two versions that I saw at the pot shop on Queen St. West. I took the one with the handle, but I love the one that is made to look like a retro radio. It was almost twice the price, and didn't seem like something that I would want to travel with, so I stuck with the smaller one.

They are really different to use, and take a while to get used to. As the CD says that comes with it, it takes about a month of using it to get the knack of making the best of it. You have to keep going at a certain temperature, and that can drop when you take out the basket with the pot in it while you hold your toke, then put it back in for the next. Meanwhile you have to manipulate the speeds to keep the temperature up.

I tell you though, once you get used to it, you'll love it. It also makes your "herb" go a lot further than if you smoked it like a joint.

Ikea Cockalog Recall

2006-08-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

A disgruntled graphic artist photoshoped a very large penis on the dog on the couch in the pull out of the Ikea catalogue. They are recalling them for "unknown reasons." This is the actual untouched scan from the catalogue. The front cover is a pull out, and this is what was in the first page of the fold out.

I think I'll hang on to my copy.

The hills are alive with the sound of music!

2006-08-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

Today I swear within twenty minutes of taking that bloody buggery pills my stomach went on queezy mode. The only time it isn’t is when I’ve smoked pot. This I reserve for the evening, so if I do feel like pigging out I have only a certain about of time as when I take the before bed pills I have to eat something, but due to the Sustiva, it has to be low fat. Hence, the 3 am grilled-cheese sandwiches made and woofed down at a speed that I barely remember. I have to always be reminded of the dirty deed when I first walk into the messed up kitchen with things thrown around as if I were very drunk whipping up something disgusting to make.

Last night I attended a board meeting, not CTAC, and I think it must have been the craziest board meeting that I’ve ever attended, and I’ve been bored at plenty of them. One person walked out, then someone offended because he felt “dismissed,” then a fight between to accountant and a board member which reduced her to tears, and finished with someone else walking out of the room.

And I thought I’m supposed to be the crazy one on Sustiva!

I just know this Retonavir is going to my muse for upcoming performances in the echo chamber (the toilet). I swear with your head down there you feel as if you were Julie Andrews ready to burst out into “The Hills Are Alive With The SOund Of Music.” Perhaps the lyrics should be rewritten for that rendition.

Ok, off to vaporize some pot so I’ll feel like eating dinner.

Best of Gay Blogs

2006-08-29T09:54:00.000-07:00

BGB was kind enough to have done a short interview to feature this blog. There really isn't anything there at that is new if you've followed this for awhile, but I thought I should get a link to it, and get them on to my permanent link.

The shout out is not something that will be on for a while, as it's been entered as a regular post, so you have to scroll down now as there has been some new stuff added.

a case of the vapours

2006-08-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

I love the fact that I have a permit allowing me to grow up to 25 plants, and possess on me 150 grams which is plenty for me. No hassle at the airport (within Canada only)no hassle by the cops.

A few weeks ago I bought this vaporizer, I love it. I uses way less pot and non of that carbon monoxide and other toxic shit you smoke.

I'm realizing that the Ritonavir, that bitch, is starting to get up to her evil ways again. I just feel more queezy stomach starting more consistently. The only thing that helps is the pot. I don't like to smoke during the day, so I don't eat alot during the day. When I get a bit of the vapours and I'm hungry and even oddly enough up at three am I made myself some grilled-cheese sandwichs. I barely remember this, however, I was confronted with the evidence in the kitchen as I walked in first thing.

So I go see my doc today. I needed to get a few scripts renewe, talked alot about MAC computers as we both love them. But he said I had the Sustiva look. Hmmmmm Should I start to consider a new name, like Frances Farmer. You should read the link it's quite fascinating. Those were the days, you act out, and you get a transorbital lobotomy. So much more simplier as well.

These lobally challenged did make a fine contribution to the motion and picture industy. Very employable zombies for the Gorge A. Romaro with his cult classic Night of the Living Dead

So that's me Francis Farmer.......9 mins until I take Sustiva, then the transformation will be complete.

I'm feeling skinny

2006-08-28T15:24:00.000-07:00

I went to see my doctor today. The first thing he said was, "Go step on the scale." I've gone from about 183 to about 172 pounds. The effects of the retonivir are starting, the fatigue, and the queeziness. But at least I'm not puking! Thanks when I will start me photo essay of all the toilets I've barfed in, and then send copies to Abbott, the pharmceutical company that makes the stuff.

Sweet Dreams

2006-08-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Discovery Health, a Dr. is doing an autopsy and is discribing a woman's liver who went through gastic bypass surgury. Fatty liver syndrome, now what kind of Sustiva dreams am I going to have tonight?

Fuckable Robots, Samantha Bee's Future Shock

2006-08-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

I love this segment. And it talks about Robots! It's well worth the watch.

The [Republicanization] of Canada into Republicanada by Harper, should be the name.

2006-08-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

The Americanization of Canada by Harper
Prime Minister walking in lockstep with Bush, says Haroon Siddiqui
Aug. 27, 2006. 01:00 AM
HAROON SIDDIQUI

I n 2003, much of our media and the Bay St. establishment, along with some conservative politicians, such as Ernie Eves, favoured George W. Bush's plans to invade Iraq. Most Canadians didn't. Jean Chrétien sided with the people.

This year, much of our media and part of the corporate establishment, along with most Conservatives and even some Liberals, favour the American combat tactics in Afghanistan. They also back Bush's full support of the Israeli war on Lebanon. Canadians don't. Stephen Harper has ignored the people.

You may like or dislike his act as the chief cheerleader for Israel and the United States. You may even feel cheated that he had kept his ideology well concealed prior to and during the last election. But at least you know where he stands now.

What you do not know, except in a vague way, is where the main Liberal leadership aspirants stand. They stand in different spots, on different days.

Harper's assertion that the Israeli actions in Lebanon were a measured response to the provocations of Hezbollah was only the start of his reading from the American script.

Bush stalled a ceasefire. So did Harper.

Bush said no to American troops in a multinational force. Harper said no to Canadian participation.

Bush cast the Israeli offensive as a "struggle between the forces of freedom and the force of terror." So did Harper.

Bush tied Lebanon to the larger (failed) war on terrorism. So did Harper.

At times, Harper sounded more hawkish than the Republican neocon hawks.

Bush called the massacre at Qana "awful," but Harper stayed mum, and his office made a point of saying that he would stay mum on the tragedy.

His MPs were coached to say they were "deeply saddened by the deaths and injury of innocent people caused by extremist organizations in Lebanon, Israel and the world." Israel was not responsible for Israeli bombs killing and maiming civilians.

By the third week of the war, Harper tried to mitigate his "measured" response position. But he only augmented it:

"Frankly, we were talking about three weeks ago when Hezbollah took Israeli soldiers hostage ... But now we have a completely different situation ... We have a full-blown conflict, almost a war, and it's hard to say whether a response is proportional." (My emphasis).

At times, the Prime Minister has not even sounded like Canada's leader, as in refusing to protest the bombing deaths of a Montreal family of eight and that of an unarmed Canadian peacekeeper.

At one time, he tried to rationalize his stance this way: "There's a lot of long-term strategic interests of this country and of the world at stake here."

Protecting our trade with the U.S., of course. That, for him, might mean supporting Bush, even when he disagrees. Or, more likely, it might mean he fully shares the president's geopolitical outlook and wants to align Canada with the U.S.

Inflammatory statements by Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay and by Jason Kenney, the Prime Minister's parliamentary secretary, suggest so.

Then there's Harper's affinity for John Howard, Australia's right-wing prime minister.

And there's Harper's speech in London in July touting the virtues and values of the English-speaking world, a.k.a. the white man's club.

Combine all that and you get a good idea why Harper has been so sure-footed in making Canada complicit in the death and destruction in Lebanon.

The issue here is not whether we should fight terrorism but rather how. It is not whether the world should stand by Israel but rather how. In Lebanon, the argument has not been whether Israel had a right to retaliate against Hezbollah, but how.

As British Foreign Office Minister Kim Howells put it: "If they are chasing Hezbollah, then go for Hezbollah. You don't go for the entire Lebanese nation."

Or, as Daniel Gilbert, professor of psychology at Harvard, said: An eye for an eye is fair, but an eye for an eyelash is not.

When the strong pummel the weak at will and relentlessly, they dilute their moral currency and guarantee further wars.

A recent editorial in The New York Times said: "Washington helps Israel best when it supplements, and where necessary restrains, Israeli actions, not when it acts as a mindless echo chamber. America abdicated leadership in this crisis."

So did Harper, by blindly following Bush on a failed mission that even a majority of Israelis are questioning furiously.

Why We Fight, and why I'm changing tone.

2006-08-27T06:10:00.000-07:00

While I’m taking a ride on the humility train, I got onto another subject last night while watching a documentary called, “Why We Fight?” I’m sure Republicans and Republicanadians would call it left-wing propaganda, but then anything they disagree with is always reduced to some sort of simplistic response such as, “Freedom haters, unpatriotic, bla bla bla.

It was a great documentary about the United States and their history of conflicts, military machinery build up (to the point where Eisenhower lost control of this huge military complex) to the context in which many people felt after 9/11 that Iraq was the way to go at the time.

So where does the humility come in. Well, I’m always slagging American policy in tones that sounds like I am speaking about an entire people of an entire country, and I do not mean that. I realized while listening to an interview of someone who lost his son that day, that really, I don’t have a clue what it is like to be American.

Yes, Canada, and the United States are very similar. If you were to blind fold someone and drop them off downtown Toronto, they’d probably think they were in the US. But architecture, lifestyles, a shared language and popular culture do not make us American.

When I was a child growing up, we felt as if we were “cousins” to America. The same, but as families can be, not exactly the same. I think the events of 9/11 as cliché as it may sound changed our neighbors to the south in ways we really don’t understand. It was not us that was the target of such a horrific day almost five-years ago.

I cannot say without any certainty that if it were me trying make up my mind about the war in Iraq with the feelings of sorrow and revenge so close to the heart, along with a completely one-sided media message that I wouldn’t have supported it as well. I don’t know, and that’s the point, I will never know because I am Canadian.

I think most would safely say that the policy of pre-emptive strikes, even if you agree with it in principle was wrongly executed by going into Iraq. My personal thoughts are that the world should have focused on getting Afghanistan on her feet as a democracy, and left Iraq until at least that work was done. But then, that wasn’t the agenda of those in power.

Politically, however, there has been a recent seismic shit towards the United States with our recent Conservative government, and now we, as Canadians, find ourselves feeling embarrassed about our government, i.e. not showing up at the International AIDS Conference, unilateral support of Israel, calling their response to the solder kidnapping as “measured.” Our Prime Minister is taking lessons for the Republicans on media restriction and message management by muzzling all his cabinet ministers having them vet anything public through the Prime Minister’s Office before saying anything.

He doesn’t want to renew the supervised injection site in Vancouver, despite the research demonstrating it to be a success, he is trying to reopen the entire same-sex marriage deal, even though it is now entrenched in law, and is doing his best to pull us back into the dark ages.

Now, am I supposed to represent that? I don’t think so, and now the the table has turned. The Republicanadian’s agenda is a mix of John Howard’s “what’s in it for me approach,” meaning as long as I get something that helps me, to hell with anyone else, the freedom of the individual reigns and the expense of the most vulnerable in society, combined with George Bush's world view doctrine.

We have a Prime Minister who represents oil interests, and trying to turn this country into one that is divided. Sound familiar.

Here I am finding myself in the very same position my American friends are in, “But that doesn’t represent all of Canadians! Don’t paint us with all the same brush!”

So I’m afraid that my nuances or choice of saying American instead of Republican, and my newly coined Republicanadians has been a disservice to all who stand for everything they are not.

Yet, still we are cousins, that at times do not get each other and still have our differences, but sometimes you have to be put into the same situation to know what it feels like. Today, I know what it feels like to have a government that has walked away from international agreements (Kyoto) who embarrass us by not showing up to important international events, and is only interested in a world where it’s every (wo)man for themselves.

Now the non-Republicanadians are apologizing for their administration, and are starting to feel lock tow and step with George Bush. We now have changed and have the disturbing geo-politcal domestic and world view that is not dissimilar to all the very right-wing governments out there.

Over the last day or so I’ve been thinking about writing on this blog, and it’s going to be coming up to a year in a few months. As with everything, we learn and grow over time. My hope is that my writing can mature as I go through this process. That’s not say that Miss Retro Virus and Co. will go away, nor my dark sense of humour.

My last post just identified a couple areas of personal growth I need to work on, and I’m serious about that. This stems for the fact that recently I have been catapulted to a new level of activism, and as I arrived at this position by our work at the IAC, I realized, “Man I have so much to learn!” I’ve been an activist for a long time, but in that long time there was a long break, so really I’ve been an activist twice instead of a long time; once in the mid 80s to mid 90s, and now.

I think when you wake up and realize that there is still so much to learn, and to work with such great people to provide mentorship, one does pause and let the humility in. I do not know everything. I have strong opinions, but I respect debate nevertheless. That’s why I like the activist friends I have, because we do debate things. It is a necessary process to figure out what exactly are the best strategies, what are the pro’s and con’s to what we are talking about.

My first gut reaction is to fight every single time. But that is not always the best strategy. I do not need to come out swinging every time an issue comes up. We’ve, (a few friends and I) have been hammering out a long term strategy with our Prime Minister, and I’ve had to learn to seek out advice from the best, and most experienced and actually listen to what they have to say. By doing so, that means I have to be open to alternative options.

I’m not sure what I am trying to say here, but I’m connecting the dots on a few things over the course of the last week that I wasn’t earlier, and this is stemming from my experience at the conference.

I don’t like the fact that I went into a rage on Friday, and I’ve got to really watch that. Whether it’s Sustiva or not, I’m not sure. If it is, then I can’t wait for TMC125 to come along and replace it, and I just have to get through the next month or two.

The other pivotal moment for me was when Marc the Voyeur, a dying man, who’s got nothing to loose tells me I have a chip on my shoulder. Now I have one out of two choices, to ignore that, or take that in, and seriously think about that. It wasn’t until my outburst the other day that I thought, man I’ve got to seriously rein it in, and he was quite right.

I wish I could say it’s all the Sustiva, but it’s not, I’ve gone done the outburt road before without this drug, let’s just say when it’s chemically enhanced, it’s not pretty.

So, I’m trusting you guys to let me know if I am going off the deep end and not realizing it, as I have been seeing a growing pattern with this, and I’m not liking it. I said the same thing to my friends; if you see me starting to go winging to stupid reasons, please do a “Sustiva Intervention!”

Why I have taken Comment Moderation Off

2006-08-26T10:42:00.000-07:00

It really is a stupid story but I will tell it. I'm watching "Rockstar: Supernova" last night, I love the show. And they did mock media interviews with each of the remaining contenders. The one thing they were looking for was someone who would not trash their fellow contestants, and potentially future band members.

One of the constants, who had been my favorite, Dlanna (sp?)up until this point. But she got way too big for her bridges and trashed almost everyone in those media interviews.

When the show came back to this, and the Tommy lee and Co, started to question the contestants on what it feels like to know others are saying such stuff. Dlanna fucked it up big time, but on the same hand they made a very valid point. You have to have a thick skin. Once the winner joins the band, they will be the target of constant slagging as getting there as a "reality show" winner etc.

This led me to a moment of interspection (I'm I doing a Busism here, I'm not too sure)and I realized my downfall in all of this is that I don't have a thick skin, and I have to learn how to take it if I am going to put myself out there. My other challenge is to keep my chip on my should nicely dulled down in order not to poke anyone's eyes out.

But in the end, it's all about personal growth, and I struggle with areas I need to work on, just as everyone else has to.

Not that I want a bitch fest or name calling going on, as I will remove those comments.

I realized, there are going to be people out there that really don't like me, or what I have to say, and I have to just focus on what I believe is correct. When debate comes up to be respectful and discuss.

Yesterday, as I mentioned, I flew off in a Sustiva rage and I don't like that. In taking ownership of that, I can't blame it on Sustiva, it just brought out what was already there, but under control.

So, in this world, I recognize my challenges and things I need to work on, and consequenty lifted the "comments moderated."

When half-truths woven together only create nuanced lies. Representing people with HIV and accountability.

2006-08-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think people just watch us speak to the media and not give it another thought. Well, a lot of thought goes into what I say before it comes out of my mouth to a journalist.

This is a lesson that someone I had called a friend (he still may be, but I doubt it after my Sustiva rage yesterday) did not take into heart when speaking with a media/journalist the other week. The result, the Globe & Mail article that strung along blame to Canada’s rising HIV infection to HIV positive men who weren’t disclosing their status to sexual partners, immigration from sub-Saharan Africa, and ACT’s culturally youth-targeted campaigns for prevention.

One thing that I always say to someone considering being interviewed or quoted in the media is: What is the message, what context will it be portrayed, what is the purpose and messaging of that article.

I may rant away on a blog, however the blog media environment is not the same as a newspaper. The blog environment is built on self-expression, feelings, opinion, sometimes fact, sometime hearsay, and sometimes many other things. This is why how you’d approach your writing on a blog has a very different standard than a newspaper. Most of the time if you get a fact wrong, one of your readers will point this out and hereby creating one way of having some checks and balances.

When you go and start talking hearsay to a journalist who already has a track record of not publishing correct facts, and in fact has been taken once to the Canadian Association Press for a complaint, and the Globe and Mail were forced to make a retraction, you do need to think about who and what you are trying to acheive.

This article had one intent, and one intent only, to poke a stick in the eye of all the delgates to last weeks International AIDS Conference, and thus be inflamatory for only that sake. So much so that she went out of her way to go at it again the next day.

One needs to be smart about what they are doing.

Case study in point:

Now that HIV is no longer a death sentence, safe sex is no longer routine
among gay men. A substantial minority of HIV-positive men refuse to disclose
their status to prospective sex partners, and a certain subset of gay men
seek out risky sex. "Fifteen years ago, everybody used condoms, and now they
don't," says Peter, who is HIV-positive. "A lot of people believe you should
just take your chances." Some gay activist groups actually defend this
behaviour on grounds of sexual freedom and individual liberty.

Even by just taken this paragraph out, leaves the above statements in isolation. When they are combined with comments about African immigrants bring HIV to Canada (almost half become infected once here in Canada, which demonstrates the lack of culturally appropriate support and services for new Canadians -- a fact omitted to further the nuance of blame)and then on the ACTs sex-positive campaigns to reach the younger generation who are still becoming infected at an alarming rates, then you get a much bigger picture of where how this paragraph is couched in a larger context of blame.

Point one: Who are these substantial HIV-positive men who “refuse” to disclose their status?” Often it’s don’t ask don’t tell, whereby both parties are in essence agreeing to potentially risky sex. I have yet to meet anyone who would “refuse” to disclose their status.

Now, let’s look at a broader context. Although it is not factually wrong to say many HIV positive men do not disclose their status.

It’s not an issue that is so cut and dry. Ever have one of those moments at the baths where a guy wants you to fuck him without a condom? I have, and he was HIV negative assuming that I was.

If I had not asked, “Are you HIV positive or negative?”

“Negative.” I hear back,

“Well then, we’ll be needing some condoms cause you won’t be staying that way for long if I fuck you without one!”

In this situation many gay HIV positive gay men would “assume” their partner’s status was positive, otherwise why would he be allowing a bare cock up his ass? The other guy is “assuming” I’m negative, because if I don’t use condoms, I must be negative as a top.

Then there are the self-esteem issues that really complicate things up. Here we are as gay men, who are programmed from the day we are born that our sexuality is bad and wrong. How assertive is this person going to be if he had to face his ultimate fear in life “rejection” by insisting that his partner wear a condom?

All the education and the training in the world does not take knowledge and translate it into practice. This is where the world of negotiating sex, and our health becomes grey and dicey.

So to say that a “substantial minority” of gay men were “refusing” to tell their status, is basically once again blaming the behavior of HIV positive gay men for the rising infection rate.

If and when there are HIV negative guys not disclosing their status, they are having sex with HIV negative guys who are not disclosing their status. Disclosure or non-disclosure is NOT contributing to the transmission of HIV; it’s their behaviour. It’s this behaviour, negative and positive alike, in which they engage that is the issue, not the disclosure.

And when dancing this tango, it takes two. For every HIV positive guy not disclosing his status and engaging in risky sex, there is an HIV negative guy who is willingly engaging in the very activity that will get him infected.

And trust me, I’m all about disclosure, not to protect some else who happens to be too stupid to deal with it, it is to protect myself from the crazies out there who want to blame someone when they find out they have become infected and point a finger to public health. Also, I don’t feel I have anything to hide or be ashamed about and being out about status is the only natural and comfortable way for me.

Then there are the Internet ads saying “HIV neg, UB2.” Why do you think they are asking that question? Well the obvious is that they think they can protect themselves by doing this screening tactic. Nonetheless, it’s mostly because they want to have condemless sex with another HIV negative man.

What they don’t realize is that there is a good chance that one of those “HIV neg, UB2” guys may have gotten infected, and during this initial acute phase of the infection you are way more infectious than someone who identifies themselves as HIV positive, and let’s say undetectable.

Then this sero-sorting group of men just ends up saturating this sub-group of guys by infecting each other under the premise that “everyone will be negative by virtue of the restrictions they write on their personal ad.”

Sadly, youth are falling into this sero-sorting category and are unnecessarily putting themselves at risk. And for the record, I hold in great suspicion the San Francisco study that attributes sero-sorting to a decrease in HIV infection rates, but increased rates of other STIs (sexually transmitted infections).

Now, on to the group that actively seeks out unsafe sex! Yes, I have met plenty of guys who do not use condoms, and go to sex parties and no condoms are used. These guys often assume that everyone they are playing with is HIV positive, and ignore the problems they inherit (like maybe my highly resistant mutations of HIV) with not using condoms.

I personally am trying my best to use condoms all the time. I have one fuck-buddy that we never have, and I think the behaviour is so entrenched that it will always be like that.

And by the way, there are a lot of HIV negative tops out there who REFUSE to wear condoms even when they know they are fucking someone HIV positive.

The trend to no condoms is becoming far and wide in the gay community growing steadily since the late 90s. We have to ask ourselves why, and work harder to get the message out? Why, despite the knowledge, has a portion of the gay community given up on safer sex? Clearly we are not doing our jobs right, and we have to look closer at what is going on. Certainly running to the media with this is only going to further stigmatize a population, feel more shame and guilt, and potentially block any type of campaign or support to change this behaviour.

I'll defend your right to say it, but I will also stick my principles and strongly disagree with the context, the manner it is presented and its intent. But, I also have the right/responsibility to make sure a complete and balanced picture gets out there to counter act ill-informed messaging that is going out that has the potential to further stigmatize a population.

Conversely, why is the question not being asked of our heterosexual counter parts? The rise in infection rates among women in Canada is going, now up to 27% of the new infections. This is not because they are all bad junkies. My friend’s sister didn’t do drugs, and she got HIV. I’m not placing blame on her, because, as I stated in the letter to James Travers, the media and public health campaigns have not given the women of Canada any impression at all that they could be at risk.

However, one could argue that heterosexual world is just as bad, if not worse for all the same issues, condemless sex, non-disclosure of status, and reckless behaviour on the part of the HIV negative populations.

And to counter argue everything that I have just said, for women, many times the highest risk factor for becoming infected is MARRIAGE.

As we go in circles, playing this game of blame is not only counter to all the work I have been doing, it doesn’t achieve anything at all. The cycle will just continue while others with little understanding of the issues sit back and judge.

On to the next part: drugs, unfortunately we are also dealing with the issue of PnP, Party & Play, where a lot of drugs are used when fucking, and often the condoms go out the window, so to speak. So now we have to deal with an added layer of substance use, sex & sexuality combined all together. Deconstructing this deadly combination can be very difficult, and can take years and a lot of therapy to change this behaviour. I know this, as I was one of them, and I have seen many friends struggle to change their ways as well, yet to fall back into a crystal binge and start all over again.

Drug and sex within the gay community is so entrenched, and this is why I speak out about it as a former Meth user. Meth by the way, is largely a white class (poor class) problem in the North American context, and just happens to be a problem in the gay community where drug use is part of a subculture.

Now let’s take a look at the bigger picture. We now have what we in the AIDS world, and many others who do not fall into the far right political spectrum, call a “hostile government” who will go out of their way to screw us over in order to play to their far right constituency. Combine this with the history of this epidemic being blamed on gay men for being the spreaders of disease ever since this virus appeared on the world stage. The consequences of this can be disastrous, and it's already being felt at the PHAC (Public Health Agency of Canada) level.

This in turn serves only to fuel to right wingers to be against us, to lobby for funding cuts, etc. Do you know that requests for funding in the US for research cannot have anything about prostitutes, homosexuals etc in it, as it won’t get funded. Is the direction we want to go here in Canada?

I agree that a broader discussion is needed in this community about what we are doing to ourselves and taking some personal responsibility not only for our own lives, but our community as a collective.

One of the reasons I put myself out on the line being so public is to counter act the messages that were underlined implicitly in Margaret Wente’s column, and how this not fully named person who is quoted has just contributed to work against what I stand for and what I am trying to say, and I had considered a newly made friend.

This is why it takes some political and media savvy to work with the media. Sudden outbursts of opinion may feel good at the moment, but the far-reaching consequences can be beyond one's imagination, just as Margaret found out when there was a demonstration in front of the Globe & Mail.

I could have very well gone into some of this kind of stuff when I was doing interviews around prevention in the gay community, but I chose my words and message with care. I know how reports and journalists alike can distort, and take things out of context.

You need to be as concise and articulate as possible in order to provide the message in a way that the least possible damage can be done to it through context etc.

On to my last topic, representing people with HIV. Just because you are HIV positive and have access to the media does not mean that you (guy or girl) represents a population. Accountability is one of the main ingredients to giving information that puts one in a role of representing a population. By being anonymous or not using your full name means that one person’s opinion is being extrapolated to an entire community, and may or may not be balanced or that opinion is placed in a broader context.

When I get up on camera, everyone knows who I am. I do not duck under a pseudonym, first name, or unnamed. This makes me accountable in a very large way. Also this means I have to take ownership of what I say, and this is a really big part of being a leader. You have to take risks, and you have to take ownership over your actions.

I personally do not claim to represent an entire population; however, when I am on camera I am in “defacto” doing that. If I am not, I make it very clear that what I am saying is personal opinion and STRESS that I am not with an organization, nor am I speaking for anyone other than myself.

My last point, as involved as I am, I’ve never seen a gay activist group support and encourage risky sexual behaviour as a freedom of individual expression. If one is trying to interpret ACT’s youth targeted campaigns such as the deck of playing cards, each card’s letter represent a sexual act, as an example of that, then they have missed the boat so badly.

Young gay men need to be able to speak freely and become comfortable with their sexuality and sexual practices. Until then, no message about protecting yourself etc is going to help. We have to start at the very basic building blocks of our identity and sexuality to youth so that they can have to tools to better take care of themselves.

The point of this entire post is that the gay community does need to take a good hard look at what’s going on. But to further stigmatize HIV positive gay men, in a community that is still quite stigmatized (just get out of the GTA – Greater Toronto Area), so counter productive.

Just take a look at (sorry after much internet searching, I cannot find the city counselor’s name) who was advocating for less money to HIV/AIDS programming as it mainly affected only “homosexuals and drug addicts.”

By omission, then one implicitly communicates to general public that the not just the gay community, but the HIV positive gay men are to blame for the rise in the infection rate (not to mention the inference in the article to immigration). By not providing a balanced and contextualized message I see only more harm done than any good.

Me, of all people, who spouts off on my blog all the time, take seriously my messaging, the audience, and the vehicle by which it is given.

I’m sorry that I’ve lost a friend over this, not because of the article itself, but because of the “stuff” that was going on around it. Yes we all have “freedom of speech” but with that also comes responsibility, and the knowledge on how to use this “right” effectively.

The story that just wont go away.

2006-08-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

CityNews

You've heard of "Where in the World is Carmen San Diego"?

Now watch an epidisode of "Where in the World is Stephen Harper?"

In a controversy that will not die, just one week after the end of Toronto's International AIDS Conference, the Prime Minister is back under the microscope.

Having a kranky day.

2006-08-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those days when just one thing can set you off. This has been something I've heard from Sustiva going friends is that everything you feel tends to be amplified. When I am anxious, I'm real anxious, and when I am happy, it's like I'm manic, and then when I am unhappy, boy look out.

An unnamed person was a receipient of that today. I don't like it when that part of me comes out. It really is akin to roid rage without the muscles and bad skin.

TMC125 will replace Sustiva for me very shortly, it could be as early as sometime September, but I'm not going to hold my breath given the amount of time it took to get me on what I am taking now (three months).

I've been working hard on our next steps post-conference. As there are more than 5000 hits a month on this site, I think I'm going to skip the details. It's just now that I am starting to feel rested after the conference. On Sunday, I began with two of my colleagues mapping out our strategies for the next month or so. I've got great guidance, and hopefully this next month will be a successful.

Not everything I do is about making a big splash, and in fact, much of the work is the not so sexy stuff of meetings with policy analysists, bureaucrates and a like. So my prep work has this week has been pretty mundane. A lot of phone calls and emails.

I've been fortunate in having great mentors and guidance from the best activists, and media strategists I could ask for!

Now, I think I am going to watch a horror movie and take out my agnst on some poor people that around able to get spooked and slaughtered. It always makes living with HIV all that much more easy. At least I don't have to worry about someone with a 7 inch carving knife hiding in my closet, well after today, I'd not be so sure about that.

Where Power Lives

2006-08-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

As I’ve explained many times, I used to be involved with AIDS activism/advocacy a long time ago when this virus was first emerging onto the world stage. In 1993, I took a long break. Well over a decade long break.

During that time, my new friend Shari had been diagnosed HIV positive, and has done an incredible job representing and advancing women’s issues. And after watching question period last Sunday, I see that there is still much more work to be done.

Just as myself, Shari has taken breaks from all this work, but SHE'S BACK! Not that she ever went away, we just change our participation and visability to different levels.

One thing that I had learned when I first got to know Shari is that she writes for POZ magazine, she writes regularly for poz, in a way not unlike what us bloggers do, about life’s ups and down, raising a child, being married, etc. Just do a search on POZ for Shari Margoleses, and you will find all archived articles.

I knew I liked her right away when we met. But I like women who are strong and are not afraid to voice their opinion and stand up for their beliefs.

For the conference, Shari was asked to write this article, “Where Power Lives" which very much encapsulated the view among many, including myself during the conference.

Shari's quote from Louise Binder explains it all, “Where power lives, HIV does not,” she said. “And where power is not, HIV lives.” But you have to read the article to get the full nature of Power and the voices of people living with HIV at the Toronto IAC"

Isn’t that the truth! I hadn’t thought of it that way, but it is so true. HIV seems to find the most vulnerable in society turning it into the fabric of their lives while those in power get to read about it, or maybe, just maybe they may know someone with HIV.

And, as an extension of that, where power lives, our voices do not. This is why we all have to work so hard to make sure that we are heard. Power certainly didn’t live in the disaster of a registration process where people with HIV had to wait hours and hours to get their conference material jetlagged, some in poor health, and others dealing with meds. Not one line up was set up for “special needs, or disability.”

You knew right then and there just about how much thought went into planning this conference with people actually living with the infection about which the conference is themed.

I’m going to finish by quoting the last sentences of her article. The feeling of self-empowerment is screaming through, and I’ve very proud of Shari and the work she has done over the short time of us getting to know each other.

Do I like living with HIV? No, of course not, but I am truly proud to be a part of this community. In fact, I am so personally inspired by its fortitude that I have decided to be completely out about my own status from now on, no matter what. POZ readers: Here's my face on POZ.com. That, my friends, is power!

An FYI, too bad I got this too late to attend.

2006-08-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

I lied, I cannot post Shari's article as it has yet to be published. When it is online, I will send everyone a link.

_____________________________________________________________________

Toronto and Ottawa: Activists Took to the Streets Thursday to Protest
South Africa AIDS Policies

Demand Firing of SA Health Minister Over Deaths Of Prisoners

NGOs, students, and activists in Toronto and Ottawa joined those in
New York, Chicago, LA, Washington, Atlanta and cities across South
Africa in the Global Day of Action called by the Treatment Action
Campaign (www.tac.org.za), a South African civil society group.

WHEN: Thursday, August 24th

WHAT: In South Africa street demonstrations of thousands of people living
with and affected by HIV/AIDS; police in some places were agressive
and used tear gas on unarmed, peaceful protesters. TAC demonstrators
delivered petitions and demands to government officials, promising to
return in two weeks for answers. In Canada and the US, pickets at
South African embassies and consulates, and delivery of massive 5-foot
tall letters
demanding firing of health minister, action on HIV crisis.

TORONTO, ON —11am—South African Consulate-General, 110 Sheppard Ave East.
OTTAWA, ON— 10am—South African High Commission in Canada, 15 Sussex Drive.
WASHINGTON, DC—1:15pm--South African Embassy, 3051 Massachusetts Ave, NW
NEW YORK, NY—1:15pm-- South African Mission to the UN, 333 E 38th Street
CHICAGO, IL—4:15pm—South African Consulate, 200 South Michigan Avenue

The 5 demands are:

1. Convene a national meeting and plan for the HIV/AIDS crisis now!

2. End deaths in prisons – provide treatment, nutrition and prevention!

3. Dismiss Health Minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang!

4. Government must respect the rule of law and the Constitution!

5. Health for all! End health apartheid -build a Peoples' Health
Service!

WHO: Treatment Action Campaign of South Africa; in Canada, Canadian
Treatment Action Council, Canadian HIV/AIDS Legal Network, Students
Against Global AIDS; in the US: Student Global AIDS Campaign, ACT-UP
Philadelphia, Health GAP, Global AIDS Alliance, Housing Works, African
Services Committee, DC Fights Back!, Priority Africa Network, Africa
Action, American Medical Students' Association, AIDS Policy Project.

Last week 45 members of the South African-based Treatment Action
campaign (TAC)—an activist group of people living with HIV/AIDS—were
arrested after taking over government offices to protest the
preventable deaths of people in South African prisons denied access to
AIDS treatment. The South African government has been very slow to
roll out treatment for AIDS—with the health minister suggesting that
lemons and garlic are serious alternatives. From the International
AIDS conference UN Special Envoy for AIDS in Africa, Steven Lewis
called South Africa's actions, "more worthy of a lunatic fringe than
of a concerned and compassionate state."

Mr. Lewis has decribed TAC as "the single most credible
non-governmental AIDS organization in the world".

Every day 1,000 people are newly infected with HIV in South Africa and
800 people die from AIDS.

Pass the coffee

2006-08-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have to give in and make myself a cup of coffee. I ended up drugging myself so much up last night as to try to make it through the night without waking up wired at some point. The other problem for me is that I don’t feel like eating a lot during the day, but once I have a healthy dose of THC in me, which is the evening, I start to make up for that lost time.

At 11:30 pm last night, after laying in bed for ten minutes I got up, even in my Sustiva Stupor and made French Toast, American Translation: Freedom Toast. Funny how Americans[Republicans and Conservative Canadians] feel they have a copyright on this notion of freedom. Well, they do at least for the kind that is getting spread throughout the middle east, oops sorry , that’s democracy the vehicle of freedom, too bad it ended up taking a dirt road instead of getting to it’s proper destination.

Fuck that’s far to deep for an uncaffinated brain this morning.

Yesterday, I had an exciting afternoon of feeling queezy and tired as I was up in the middle of the night. Needing to get my administrative shit out of the way, I first needed to get ink cartridges for my printer. I can’t print out expense report claims without it.

Thinking that the closest Grand & Toy was at College Park, I hopped on my bike and went down. They had all but one of the six in cartridges that I needed. Feeling as I was, the prospect of going to yet another store was not appealing, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

The fellow I was dealing with had one of his co-workers phone another location to see if they had the colour of cartridge I needed, and indeed they did. I made my way through the hot afternoon traffic of Yonge St. queezy and all to pick up my “hold” at Eaton Centre.

When I got home, it was the WRONG colour! Now, I don’t know how other people deal with this, but I called them and told them that they were going to send a courier over to pick up to wrong colour and give me the right one.

“Sir, we don’t have a courier service……”

Then me, “Then find a way to get it to me, when I worked for MAC cosmetics and things screwed up we made sure that the customer was taken care of with the least amount of inconvenience.

“Let me call you back….”

Well to end the story, the right cartridge was delivered, and the staff – now deliveryman, took the wrong product, and then I was happy.

It’s too bad I have to tell them how to provide good customer service. I suspect though, many wouldn’t have asked for such a thing.
Now my expense reports are done and I am happy.

Stay tuned for an article my friend Shari Margolese, a Torontonian, and has written a piece for POZ.com. That will be my next post.

Son of a bith

2006-08-23T18:23:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when you spell something wrong and then fire it away? I do it a lot, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

But what's worse, shooting Fuzeon into a place it don't want to go. Now I have this nasty muscle spasm. A momnet, I'm sure everyone will feel indebted by my generostiy to share my life so freely.

I need to sleep.

A letter to James Travers

2006-08-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

James Travers is a writer and political commentator in Canada who I very much like, but felt compelled to write this letter. It got bounced back, so I'm trying again.

Dear Mr. Travers,

I would describe myself as political junky. I’ve been reading faithfully your column in the Star, and catch you most Sundays on Question Period, and I believe you do appear from time to time on Politics with Don Newman.

One of the reasons why I have followed your columns is that I find that you have a very astute analysis of the federal political scene. To be honest, I always read what you, and Chantal Hebert have to say. Your view always appears to be balanced and very well thought out. You analysis takes me away from all the spin that goes on out there, so much so that I think at times I need a shot of gravel.

Last Sunday, I was listening to your analysis of Mr. Harper not showing up at the International World AIDS Conference last week. You were so right on the money with everything you said, with one exception that seemed to elude the entire panelists and Question Period’s host.

The basic connection was made that anti-Harper meant angry urban gay men were the only ones affected and upset by Mr. Harper’s lack of appearance, and it was only within this constituency who expressed their disappointment in both his lack of showing up, and canceling funding announcements at the last minute on the Minister of Health, Tony Clement, and the Federal Minister for Co-operation.

I need to say a few things first before I move on. At the opening ceremonies where the pillowcases when up with the messages about “Sleep in Steve, and Renew Canada’s Safe Injection Site” was my project, so you know how I feel, along with the rest of the world, about his lack of leadership and attendance.

However, this is not what I wanted to write you about. You are always so dead on the mark, and the Sunday panelists missed a wonderful opportunity to dispel the notion that HIV/AIDS is and only a gay issue. In fact, the gay response in terms of activism at this conference was very limited. The principle population making their voices loud and clear was women. The pandemic now makes up 52% of the cases worldwide.

I worked on a committee with women who worked tiredlessly around the world (very closely with Louise Binder, Order of Ontario recipient last winter) organizing the Women’s Blueprint March on August 14. They had worked for almost two years developing the Women's Blueprint, and were very successful in getting their message out. At least I thought so until I watched Question Period.

In Canada, according to the National HIV Prevalence and Incidence Estimates for 2005[i], there were an estimated 11,800 (10,000 – 13,500) women living with HIV, including AIDS, in Canada. In 2002 this number was 9,600, an increase of 23% in only four years.

Youth within this group is also disproportionately represented within figures for women. There were between 620 to 1,240 new infections among women in 2005, accounting for 27% of the new infections.

Aboriginals, according to the same source, account for 3.3 percent of the population, yet somewhere between 3600 to 5100 cases of HIV infection is found in this population, almost half being women.

To Quote: An estimated 2,300 to 4,500 new infections occurred in Canada in 2005, slightly higher than was estimated for 2002. However, the increase cannot be stated with certainty because of the precision associated with the estimates; a firmer conclusion is that the overall incidence is not decreasing. This trend applies to MSM, [men who have sex with men] and MSM-IDU, and both heterosexual exposure categories [Canadians vs. those who have immigrated from where HIV is prevalent, they most often become infected once they have arrived in Canada], but the incidence for the IDU exposure category appears to be decreasing.[ii]

The panel did such a disservice to all that hard work by not even acknowledging that HIV/AIDS is no long a “gay issue.” Yes, perhaps in the minds of the Harperites it is, but I did expect more from this panel discussion.

Those who participated in the “pillowcase project” were from all over the world. Africans, Americans, Latin Americans, Europeans and from everywhere else in the world to send the message to Prime Minister Harper that this is not acceptable to not attend. In terms of those attending the conference, the world wanted him there, and he was not. This cannot be boiled down to it just being a “gay urban” thing that can be so easily written off.

I do acknowledge that Jean Chrétien did the same thing ten years ago, and it’s just as inexcusable now, as it was back then. Also, by your analysis, given the core base of the Conservative Party, a no show can communicate so much more that Jean Chrétien’s absence had.

I can’t tell you how disappointing it was to hear the discussion on Question Period as if we were still back in the 80s or early 90s. This pandemic has greatly evolved, and I think you missed that. The gay voice in this epidemic, at least in Canada, is not organized in the way it once was. In fact, they felt their voice was not heard very welll (this is up for debate).

What was heard loud and clear was that this pandemic is now feminized, now making up the majority. The Blueprint March brought out speakers such as Mary Robinson, the former President of Ireland, Stephan Lewis, and other prominent actors in HIV, Women’s issues, and as many as 1500 present.

Here is a short story to demonstrate what happens when the only message that comes out, such as the one last Sunday on CTV.

My gay friend’s sister came home with some shocking news; she became HIV positive. The irony was that she was going to her HIV negative gay brother for advice on where to go for education and support. And to quote what my friend said, “ She looked at me and said, ‘If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone!’”

This is what happens when we continuously plant in the minds of Canadians that this is something that does not concern them. Presently out an estimated 58,000 cases of HIV infection by the end of 2005, out of which 27% are women. Aboriginals are disproportionately represented, and within this population 46% of the new infections are Aboriginal women.

With HIV being on the rise in Canada, and with 25% of new infections being women, that makes for a large HIV positive constituency that is not gay, or necessarily urban (but most likely the case, but not always). As an HIV positive gay man, I become upset when I see that journalists are still incapable of moving beyond a superficial analysis, and discount anything AIDS related in Canada as being a “gay special interest group that doesn’t like Harper.”

I hold your writing in the highest regard, and I also know that unintentionally people are not moving forward with their awareness regarding HIV/AIDS as the pandemic evolves.

Taking the time to write you today is not about trying to complain, or say you were wrong or bad. You were right on the money with everything else that was discussed. It’s just we don’t realize the huge disservice we are doing to the Canadian public by giving them a false sense of security by being able to put HIV in a box along with the gay men, only to shelve away and not take seriously.

The Conservatives may not take it seriously, but they can answer to their sons and daughters if they ever become HIV positive.

The implications for Prime Minister Harper not attending this conference were spoken about around the world. I’m very proud to have been the conveyor of that message at the opening ceremonies where Bill Gates spoke on August 13. I watched an African being interviewed for TV explaining the pillowcase, and why they were disappointed the Canadian Prime Minister did not show up. An entire community where I live came together to produce those pillowcases, men, women, moms, and kids. This is not the work of some small special interest group, and we really need to stop sending this message.

Why write this letter? Well, I’ve always wanted to tell you how much I do value your work, and second, if this subject comes up again, hopefully I will have contributed to widening your perspective on this issue.

To hear one more woman or heterosexual man say, “If it can happen to me it can happen to anyone!” is one too many in my view, and we can all work together to change that.

I’d be more than happy to provide you with any additional information on the subject, or if you want to verify this email, I will provide my full name and phone number.

Thank you for taking the time to hear me out,

Brian Finch,
416-XXX-XXXX

[i] Public Health Agency of Canada, HIV Epi updates: August 2006.
[ii] Public Health Agency of Canada, HIV Epi updates: August 2006.

HaG Hanging Out.

2006-08-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

I’m approaching the end to the movie Silent Hill. It’s actually not been bad, but I’m still so fucking tired that I needed to start writing or I was going to fall asleep. It doesn’t help that I woke up at about 4 am and got up for a while.

Everyone is pretty exhausted from this last couple of weeks. I think it’s going take me a good week to start feeling better. Watching these movies though I’m sure are not going to help the Sustiva dreams. Not that I have many, but I hope that I’m not being burned to death for being a witch.

Also, I’m looking forward to being rested up and get back to the gym. I’ve lost some weight, not a lot; but enough for a friend to mention it the other night who had just seen me for the first time since just before starting all the meds.

I guess two-and-a-half weeks of starting a new drug regime, and then almost two weeks of pre conference mayhem is enough to for anyone to drop a size or two.

Well, if I really want to be Canada’s Next Pharma Model, I should really be getting to a size four. For female top models they have plus size, for HIV top models they have minus signs. You can always spot them, these guys are always looking in the mirror and asking you, “Am I too fat?”

They are specialty models though and it’s been awhile since these guys have gotten work. Near death AIDS is so last century, now that we're keeping them around there is a desire to have a more robust version of somoene living with a chronic and life-threatening illness. Ironically enough, this automatically disqualifies about 80 percent of those taking antiretrovirals.

My wasting model friend Andre’s last gig was in the 80s for the Benetton ads. One hates to get type cast into the near death character, as you see you don’t get to work as much. My advice is to grab a six-pack of ensure, and try to step it up a bit. As they say on Project Catwalk, “Fashion has no mercy.”

If you are going to make it into today’s crowded market, having a good set of cheeks in just not enough. Extreme sports will give you the edge over the handsome mountain climbing HIV positive man. Dime a dozen I say, a guy that can who that could marry me and be the everything of my dreams, now that’s a guy into extreme sports. Being my boyfriend pales in comparison to perils snowboarding down Mont Blanc while only wearing a jock strap and a bottle of popper up your nose. Now’s that’s a guy I want to see on my Kaletra ad! Someone tough, and knows how to take it! (I’m taking about being compliant; stop putting words in my mouth!)

Oh well, the two pooches are on the couch with me, and we’re just going to hang for the rest of the night.

Pass the pot, Splendida makes me want to puke.

2006-08-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

I'm still recovering from the all the work from the conference, I’m still feeling tired. Often I have to remind myself that today is the fourth week since I started that lovely seven-drug antiretroviral regime. The Sustiva is much less pronounced in terms of my mind getting foggy. I still feel it amplifies how I feel, and this is how someone else had described her experience taking Sustiva. For her, it took a year to feel the side effects to go away. So I’m not so hard done by four weeks later.

They only thing hard done by is my insurance company. When I picked up my drugs last week (and remember Prezista is only available through the Expanded Access Program and is free, it’s considered like a third open arm of a clinical trial) the cost was above 4000 dollars. So you’ll be able to add somewhere around 600 or more on to that.

The routine of taking an injection twice a day is starting to feel quite normal. Doesn’t everyone have a huge sharps container in their kitchen? After I take the dogs out I make my next day’s two doses, and les voilà, I’m set for the next day. Then I just have to remember to take food with the Prezista, but low fat because of the Sustiva. Fat allows the drug to concentrate, and we don’t like that; more side effects to confuse me with often with the couple puffs of pot I have to eat.

Then eating becomes an experiment. Any kind of sugar substitute seems to make me nauseas. Green tea is more my speed these days. One cup of coffee and I feel so racy. This is probably due to the fact I was unable to drink it for a long time leaving this longing image of a tall Starbucks coffee cup in my head. I’m not sure why Starbucks, I hate their coffee, it’s always bitter. I learned a tip though; a dash of salt, and the bitterness goes away. Sadly, this little tid bit of information doesn’t work on humans. Trust me, I tried it and look at me! Bitter as the day is long!

My day was spent around strategizing. Stuff that now I’m not going to reveal as perhaps the Sustiva has me a little paranoid, but you never know who from various ministries of health may be watching.

All of Tibotec knows about my blog all because of my post where I wrote about the PR coming over and doing the interview. My friends boss got it along with any other mention of the drug on the net, and that was that.

Luckily, it was a hit. When I was introduced to the Vice-Chair of something or rather in the company I looked at him and said, “Brian with the blog.” He instantly knew who I was! So it’s not so far fetched to say I need to start keeping my cards held a wee bit closer.

But you know, with me being so public, and not hiding my identity, I have to really think about what and how I want to express something. Not that I censor myself, but it does make one take ownership over one’s thoughts and opinions in a way that requires some thought to how I express myself.

In the end though, you still end up with Miss Retro Virus, and that ain’t gonna change. Glamour, however, does require a certain code of behaviour, at least my version of glamour; the kind that can only be taught at Miss Retro Virus’s Charm School for the Seropositively Challenged. She’s kind of like the Janice Dickinson on America’s Next Top Model.

You can't deny that Janice can't be a real piece of work, but when push comes to shove, even at her age she can work it. That’s Miss Retro Virus, The Original Top Pharma Model.

Very Sad News

2006-08-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

Marc from Voyeur Nation, who participated in my blog, always in an understanding and caring way, passed away this weekend. I had no idea that his health had taken such a sudden decline. His last message saying good bye to the bloggers under the Superman photo post, (If I had a bod like this) is particularly moving. I never met Marc, but at this moment, I feel so incredibly sad. He had been fighting so much more than I've had to ever deal with at this point of my life.

My thoughts are with you Marc. The next time I light a candle, it will be for you, the unsung hero.

More media and photos

2006-08-21T08:21:00.000-07:00

I know you might be getting sick of this, but I am finding more and more stuff that these images have gotten into, and I particularly like the backlit shot. It's lazy post time while I put together the next steps after the conference, and it will be splashy, at least nationally.

We've only just begun!

2006-08-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

There has been so much going on and so little time to write about it. The conference has wrapped up, and has been a resounding success for everyone but the organizers as there were some serious logistical problems. Having said that, I still believe that most who attended left with an overall good experience.

I made it through it all, the receptions for the ministers of health provincially and federally, Prezista 48 week data presentations and related stuff. I hardly went to anything that was an “official” presentation as I was too busy doing the work that needed to be done.

One of my cardinal rules and that is that I’ve stopped going to funerals and vigils a long time ago; however, for this one time, I wanted to show solidarity with the world and make a statement. Somehow, I’ve been able to compartmentalize all the grief that I’ve gone through from watching all my friends (There are two of us left standing out of the original gang in Winnipeg) colleagues and acquaintances die; far too many to even to begin to count. The loss is so overwhelming that when it comes out, if comes out big. Being a private (I hear the laugh right now) well let’s say an emotionally private person is a better way to put it, public venues to express and share grief just becomes so overwhelming that I want to freak out.

The documentary crew was there as well. The vigil was held at Dundas Sq, our extremely mini version of Times Square, I hate to even make that comparison because there is no comparison, but it is a public space surrounded by ad boards, lights, and is used for different events. I could only get a few lines out for the documentary. I just wanted to be alone, including not having a camera on me. So I explained that I normally don’t do this kind thing, but I felt as this was an international event I needed to be there so that the Square would be full and show Toronto this is something that has hit a lot of people hard.

At one point the memories started to flood into my head. My good friend Chris who used top make me laugh so much. He was such a kindred spirit, and just like me got into all sorts of situations. All the faces of those I had lost came streaming through my mind and I reached a point where I was about to break down. All I knew was I had to get out of there.

As I turned around, a very tall black man said to me, “Are you ok?” and all I could do was walk over and put my face on his shoulder for all of five seconds. “Keep you head up, you will be ok,”

That’s exactly what I did and went home. For me, grieving is very personal and very private. It must be the wasp in me, but public displays of breaking down are moments I do my best to avoid, thus why I rarely attend funerals, and never go to vigils.

The next day I attended the closing ceremonies where our Stephan Lewis made international news describing South Africa’s government by not getting out the ARVs and promoting lemon juice and other concoctions as the answer more worthy of being a lunatic fringe than an actual government.

Afterwards I got to meet the other four participants in the documentary. An African woman who moved to Toronto less than a year ago, a fellow who is the ED of the 2 Spirited Peoples of the 1st Nations, a 26-year old who diagnosed a couple years ago, and a women who is champing Hep C coinfection issues.

All these people were inspirational, even if for some this was the very first thing they have ever done as an “activist” or being part of a media/documentary experience. The 26-year old, Marco, I actually had been emailing with shortly after he was diagnosed, and also we spoke several times on the phone. It was a real irony that he was part of this project and we were meeting for the first time.

I’m particularly proud of Marco for having grown so much in such a short period of time. I saw myself in him. I became public when I was about 24 years old, and went full tilt and have never looked back. All those experiences have shaped who I am, and I’m so happy to see him discovering the same “flame in the belly” I had so many years ago.

I’m proud of the others as well. This is no small project. This documentary once released will catapult all of us very much in the public eye. Once you go down that road there is no turning back. However, the rewards have been beyond description and I hope they find that as well.

Now on to the next task! A press conference. At first we were thinking about doing it this week in response to our Prime Minister labeling the conference “too political” to announced much needed funding at a time when HIV is on the rise in Canada. Our strategy has changed to wait until the beginning of September. Our read is that the media is over saturated with the AIDS story, journalist have no doubt gone of vacation after this, and the renewal for the supervised injection site that the conservatives want to kill despite all the research providing evidence that it works, will be happening in the start of September.

Also, I will have time to do this right. Get funding, speakers, and the media releases out.

My goal is to say “I’m living with this virus, and I’m the face of the population that you’re fucking over!” of course said in a much more diplomatic way. I have two women on board, one with whom I’m in the documentary, hopefully my request to a well-known and respected researcher.

The conference may have just ended, but the work is just beginning. Steven Harper, I embarrassed you to the world. My friend in Sweden saw my pillowcases, someone else in Portugal during her holidays say it. I’ve got the photo I’m quoted in the press with a photo of all the pillow cases, “I’m ashamed as a Canadian who is more interested in fighting George Bush’s war than the war on AIDS.”

Prime Minister Harper has egg on his face in front of the entire world, and I did that. Look out Mr Harper, We’ve only just begun. Never underestimate the powers of Miss Retro Virus!

Credit where credit is due.

2006-08-19T18:08:00.000-07:00

A friend thought I had actually done the last two superhero (and gaysha) photos myself. Costas who comments from time to time was creative and nice enough to send the Memoirs of a Geisha photo to cheer me up when I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by starting all those new meds. And you know, I laughed out loud at this unexpected treasure in my email. And you know,there is nothing better than laugher, well a few close seconds, and hopefully these activities don't intersect. So thank you! I've very much appreciated the smiles you've brought to my email box with your latest creation. You rock with the Photoshop!

Being HIV postive may not have been a choice, but how you pull it off is" Education 101

2006-08-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

Thank you Costas once again! Your photoshop skills are flawless!

I've decided to make a few small changes to Acid Reflux. Since this site has been getting a lot of publicity lately, I've decided to moderate the comments. I don't what this site to become one of those silly bitch fest sites where people who don't get me, nor take the time to even try to figure me out leave comments that go beyond making my eyes roll.

Now this is probably because I'm wired and burned out from the conference. But there is nothing more frustrating that people dropping by and leaving comments that really show they just don't get it, want to try to get it, or just want to be plain inflamatory. I've seen the venom spewed on Gay Guide Toronto's message board when the subject of HIV comes up.

I wasn't going to explain to this one commentor, but I will, who critised my saying "Being HIV positive may not have been a choice, but how you pull it off is."

How one would ever connect that statement to HIV trsnsmission and the contribution to the problems of this pandemic is beyond me, but here goes:

How you pull it off means not hiding, not being a victim, about feeling good about yourself despite the ignorance and stigma is out there. It's not being about being a whiney person that I saw once describe himself as "carrying the plague."

It's about having healthy and good relationships and friends. It's about having a good life despite the cards you've been dealt.

I really didn't think that this was a difficult concept to grasp, but apparently it is.

So there is the quick explaination, and this article below explains it a bit more.

Here is an article (that was supposed to get an edit, but didn't that I wrote for HIV STOPS WITH ME.org.

July 16th

HIV, Glamour, and Humor by Brian FInch

When I was first asked to write something for HIV STOPS WITH ME, I wasn’t sure what topic about which I’d write. Given the theme of the site, I could have talked about barebacking, my crystal days, and my reformed life. Sadly, barebacking Tina junkies are really far too common. I wanted to talk about something that is not discussed routinely. So, this brings me to the subject of HIV, glamour, and humor, not your everyday topic!

Being HIV positive may not have been my choice, but how I pull it off is!

That sentence is the tagline of my blog. Given that my site’s name is Acid Reflux, you know you are entering the world of a long-term survivor who has used dark humor to get through last few decades. I never promised visiting my site was going to be pretty, but you know for me, warts and all, laughter is the best medicine.

In the mid-80s in the great Canadian Prairies, I found out that I was HIV-positive while I watched my friends die around me. Inside of my dysfunctional shy self, something clicked. I needed to fight the ignorance out there. I believe, just as I had back then, that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

People take their cues from us. If I act like a leper, I’ll be treated like one. I chose a different route and held my head up high. I became the media poster boy for HIV at a time when meals were being slid into the rooms of “AIDS patients,” the more polite term for AIDS victim. This is where the notion of “how you pull it off” became very important for me.

This is what works for me. I am in no means laying judgment upon those who deal with their status differently. I do think, though, for many of us, being even a little bit open about one’s status will not bring on the imaginary on slot of abuse, rejection and stigmatization we fear.

My first city-wide media appearance in the small farming city of Saskatchewan back in the beginning of days of HIV in left me completely terrified to go out to the local bar. I had imagined that everyone would be pointing fingers at me while whispering to their friends to stay away from me. Instead, I got respect. Several individuals came up to me and shook my hand and thanked me for being so courageous.

I’m finding more and more as the next crop of younger gay men come around, so does this air of judgment. I was recently reading a message board of a local Toronto website. They were discussing whether or not HIV-positive members of our community are treated fairly. And to tell the truth, I was quite shocked at the venomous mean-spirited nature of many of the comments. This in turn led me to begin my blog.

My first post was a rant about what I just read on the message board. Then I realized, “hmmmm I’m going to have to keep writing and I can’t be in rant mode all the time.” Thinking back to the days of Diseased Pariah News, I then became inspired to use my often called twisted sense of humor to carry on my message that you don’t have to be a victim, that you can be the master of your destiny and have a fulfilling life, despite being positive.

Humor is what got me through what I call the Killing Fields of the 80s and 90s. It has been a great source of strength to take back my power and laugh at the things that at one point in my life terrified me so much.

As new generations of gay men come on the scene, HIV positive folk are becoming increasingly marginalized. I’m actually in a state of shock watching my community go back in time instead of moving forward.

On one blog I read a post regarding a gay mans first encounter with someone with HIV. It was about blame (how could someone not get the education) and judgment (this was a “stereotypical” person with HIV who had a lot of sex). When challenged on this, the reaction is, “well I’m supportive of people with HIV, but I am not going to congratulate them.” Hello, next generation of gay men! If this is any indication of what’s ahead, we’d better start preparing for an Ann Coulter-like backlash within the gay community. Sadly, I think it’s too late.

My humor is my vehicle to counteract the every increasing marginalization of those in the positive side of our sero-sorting gay community. As increased marginalization occurs so does the silencing of our voices. It is within this context that we need more than ever to stand up and be counted for, and not let these notions rest unchallenged.

In the “about me” section of my blog, I write, “You know, I’ve been asked so many times, ‘Brian how do you pull off your seropositivity so glamorously?’ After giving it a lot of thought…I realized…It’s not for everyone!”

Introducing the notion of HIV glamour is a concept that works to fight the stereotypical views of what it means to live with HIV today. Glamour is an allegory for taking control of one’s life and not being a victim. HIV glamour means not giving away power to those who try to define me as “dirty, diseased or unhealthy.” We all have seen those Internet ads saying, “clean, disease free and healthy.” It’s hard to get through a day and not see one negative message coming about due to one’s status. Well, at least as a sexually active gay man who is not in a relationship.

I want my humor to challenge folks, just as Diseased Pariah News had done with their “innocent victim of the month or AIDS Babies ads.” I want to challenge our stereotypes of the extension of the self-loathing gay man to the HIV-positive gay man. Too many people are in complacency mode, negative and positive alike. If irreverent humor evokes some sort of thought process, then maybe I will have accomplished something.

Do I wish this infection on anyone? Absolutely not! In life though, you have to take the cards you are dealt with and make the best of them. So why not be a public and happy HIV-positive man whom in spite of all the challenges manages to retain a confident sense of dignity. Getting my diagnosis was a life defining moment in so many ways. Little did I know this virus was going to turn a shy Prairie boy into an outspoken activist. Marrying my humor with activism seemed to be the perfect fit.

Miss Retro Virus may not be for everyone, and no one is forcing you to come to my website. But if you do come by, I hope you can see how exactly humor fits into this paradigm.

Vomit Spewing Woman

2006-08-18T13:21:00.000-07:00

This is what our national The Globe and Mail is writing, please read, her email is below and PLEASE write her and tell her what you think.

The trouble with Africa

MARGARET WENTE

The big AIDS circus is winding up tomorrow, and not a moment too soon. If I
have to hear Saint Stephen Lewis hectoring us with his apocalyptic rhetoric
one more time, I think I'll choke. Please, sir, can't you take an Ativan?
Nor will I miss the ritual denunciations of Stephen Harper. Is it really his
duty to show up so that 20,000 people can boo and hiss him? Funnily enough,
Jean Chretien didn't show up at the AIDS-fest in Vancouver a decade ago,
either. But he's a Liberal, so I guess that doesn't count.

And I won't miss those madcap protesters, who are de rigueur at these
events. What's an AIDS conference without noisy denunciations of greedy drug
companies, callous Western politicians and the evil Catholic Church (which,
as it happens, runs something like a quarter of the AIDS clinics in Africa)?
The fake blood and coffins are always a nice touch. But I sometimes wonder
why the protesters don't denounce South African President Thabo Mbeki the
way they denounce George W. Bush. Sure, Mr. Bush is wrong about condoms. But
it's Mr. Mbeki who's effectively killing people off.

With more than five million HIV-infected people, South Africa has one of the
highest infection rates in the world. Thirty per cent of pregnant women have
HIV. Hundreds of people die of AIDS every day, and three-fourths of those
infected are women. But, for years, Mr. Mbeki denied that AIDS was caused by
HIV, and blocked access to the life-saving drugs that could treat it. To
this day, there is widespread ignorance about the disease and very little
public education about it. Mr. Mbeki's search for an "African cure" has
stalled the spread of helpful drugs. His long-time health minister, a woman,
champions a diet of garlic, olive oil and lemon juice to treat HIV
infections. Antiretroviral drugs, she maintains, are poisonous.

South Africa's rape rate is extremely high, but Mr. Mbeki has said the idea
that rape spreads AIDS is "racist." A few months ago, his former deputy
president, Jacob Zuma, was acquitted on a rape charge. During the trial, the
popular Mr. Zuma -- who once led the country's top HIV/AIDS council --
admitted he'd had unprotected sex with someone he knew was HIV-positive. To
protect himself, he said, he took a shower afterward.

Mr. Mbeki's "hesitation and callousness probably hastened as many deaths as
some of Africa's smaller wars," writes Robert Calderisi, a Montrealer who
spent years in Africa with the World Bank. His recent book, The Trouble with
Africa: Why Foreign Aid Isn't Working, is essential reading for anyone who
still believes that Africa's problems are mostly the West's fault.

Mr. Calderisi's respect and compassion for the people of Africa are
abundantly clear. It's the misrule he can't abide. Foreign aid is largely
wasted, he says, because very little of the billions that the West pours
into Africa trickles down to the people it's supposed to help. A study of
public health clinics in Uganda, for instance, found that 76 per cent of
drugs "leaked" onto the private market, many of them prescribed to patients
who didn't exist. (This example comes from The Economist, not Mr.
Calderisi.)

Mr. Calderisi argues that the greatest accomplishment of 40 years of Western
aid has been to entrench and enrich dictators and thugs. But he loves Africa
too much to say we just should give up. AIDS is killing Africa's future.
Africa needs cheaper drugs. But most of all, he says, it needs more women to
be aware of the risk and have a means of defending themselves. "And that's
the hardest part."

Stephen Lewis wants a special United Nations agency devoted to women,
although, given the world body's track record, how he thinks more UN
bureaucrats will empower women is bhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifeyond me. Mr. Calderisi says the best way
to empower women is education. "A commitment to fighting AIDS and keeping
everybody in school should be the litmus test for providing any other aid to
African countries."

Changing the behaviour of African men is probably hopeless. But giving women
a basic education and a reliable microbicide might be something we can do.
Meantime, maybe someone can send St. Stephen some Ativan, before he starts
to chew the scenery again.

mwente@globeandmail.com

Now only if I had a bod like this!

2006-08-16T05:17:00.000-07:00

Thanks Costas for this photoshop creation. Your photoshop skills are amazing, and thank you EVERYONE who has been so supportive by your comments, emails, and those with whom I've spoken personally (mostly friends here in Toronto.) My co-op has been amazing through out this, and what can I say. It's amazing what WE can do when WE all work together!

Interview on a toilet seat

2006-08-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

This is going to be short since I am very tired having had to get up at 6:30 to go to a 7 am presentation on the 48 week Prezista data.

I was also given my own video camera to tape my own stuff. So the first thing I did was get a well known local activist to explain the Abbott site at the confernce. It had been taken over by ACT UP Paris, and big black tarp like plastic with signs saying "Broken Promises" as Abbott has yet to make a desperately needed formulation of retonivir that doesn't require formulation. This drug is an important one as it is used to boost all the Protease Inhibitors, and some of the new things down the pipeline.

The Globe and Mail, wrote an article that basical blamed gay men for HIV on the rise and our lack of disclosure, how we our importing HIV from Africa (this dim wit dosen't know that these new Canadians are getting infected here in Canada due to the fact they are coming from a culture that where this is very taboo and many other socioeconomic and cultural reasons) and a pile of other obnoxious stuff. Unfortunately I have to pay to get the article and I'm not about to do that.

However, there will be a demo now at the Globe and Mail, and this women who wrote this, my friend Louise has already once filed a complaint with the Canadian Press Association and won and get a retraction. SO we will be demanding that, and going back the Canadian Press Association to file another complaint. So keep tuned on that one.

I went to an award reception where Louise, amoung five other people including Stephan Lewis, who is well known for his work with Africa and HIV. Seeing that I had my camera I got daring and got an interview with the Federal Minister of Health, the very one we were holding up the pillow cases infront of the other night. I was very nice to him though as I wouldn't have much of an interview. To give him some slack, it's Steve who we have the issue with, the one that didn't show up. But I can tell you from inside sources HE IS PISSED at the pillow case demo! We didn't talk about htat. I will be interesting to see how they edit him into all of this!

Then I interview the provinces chief medical officer of Health Sheila Brassar (Sp? I'm too tired to get her card and see if I spelt it correctly) who is a wonderful and articulate women, and then finally my friend Louise about the conference, her plenary speech and being cut off, and what it was like to have thousands of people chanting "LET HER SPEAK!" and also receiving the award this evening.

I did some weird French interview where they had this strange set up in the Global Village that looked like a stall out of a skanky bar somewhere, and a toilet. I sat down, lid closed, and chatted in this stall just like we do on City TV with their speakers corner. WHo whould have thought. The high pristess of low culture does it once again, and en Français.

So I'm tired, going to have some pot, eat, and relax. Hopefully I will get some of the photos that my friends have taken and I will post them.

The PillowCase Project

2006-08-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

OK, I have a bit of time. The clothes are in the laundry, and the meat pie in the oven. Yesterday was amazing. We began buy loading up the car with the 1000 pillowcases and went down to Grange Park where the Universal Treatment Access March started. Not far from the stage we set up to start distributing the pillowcases and the flyer explaining what we were doing.

It wasn’t taking long to realize that the turn out for this is not what we were expecting. Maybe 300 to 400, and that would be generous I’d say. However, I am my team went into action handing them out and explaining to people from around the world, and here in Toronto the Pillow Case Project. I was shameless, all I knew was we put a fuck of a lot of work into this, and I was not about to let it fail.

The highlight for me at the park was when I was able to get up in between some of the African speakers to announce what we were doing and how to support us. In front of the crowd and LOTS of media, I began with:

“As you all know, our Prime Minister doesn’t feel that the great health crisis to face the modern world is important enough!!!! [lots of boos] Well I am here to say that I am ASHAMED to be a Canadian whose Prime Minister is more concerned about fighting George Bush’s war than the war on AIDS. Please help us send him a message …..”

Then we ran around and distributed as much as we could and the march started heading over to the Rogers Centre where the opening ceremonies took place. The instructions were to meet at Gate 7 prior to entering to sit all together. I had gotten one of the CTAC stall to check to give me a gate to meet at. Well this gate was a bad one, as it wasn’t allowing delegates in.

“Well”, I’m thinking to myself. Time to come up with a plan B! We went to Gate 6 and found some people we knew and gave them each a sack of 50 – 100 to bring in. We made it through security ok. This one guy was being a prick to the documentary crew that was following me and they had to come in some other way.

Now as we walk down to the main area by the stage, my two cohorts get all defeatists on me. The other Troy stayed upstairs and handed them out. However, one of the fellow helping me says, “You know Brian, I hate to throw water on all your hard work but…”
And the other was no better

There was no way in hell I was going to let all the blood, sweat and tears that went into this project failed. I turned around, and with my voice I learned at my voice training for the theatre, I projected at the crowd, “YOU KNOW OUR PRIME MINISTER IS NOT COMING! HELP US PROTEST BY HOLDING UP A PILLOW CASE!”

Everyone started reaching out their hands wanting to grab a case! I couldn’t keep up with the demand. Then I started passing out the flyers so that everyone knew why and what we were doing.

When Dr. Mark Wainburg began to speak about how Harper wasn’t there about half of the pillowcases went up. But when our Minister of Health went to speak we had them ALL stand up and it turned into a media frenzy. Everywhere you looked there were these pillowcases and cameras flashing.

Five others and myself were sitting five rows behind a media wall of cameras and we turned our backs to the stage and held up our cases for the cameras for at least ten minuets. Some people were chanting “Where Steve” but it was hard to hear. The impact of 1000 cases going up all over the centre, even to the back there were pockets of them. It was absolutely amazing.

By the end of the night I felt like I had just completed the final challenge for “The Apprentice” People from all over the world were holding these cases up in protest. Later on an African man was holding one and explaining it to the media, I did an interview for Brazilian media. This was the largest activist activity I’ve ever put together and implemented.

Then this morning is the Women’s and Girls March that started at 7 am of which I was “the guy” on the organizing committee, I appeared and met my documentary people. They wanted me to interview some people. So last night I asked my friend Louise is it would be possible if I could speak with Mary Robinson (former president of Ireland, UN Commissioner for Human rights, and now active in many international AIDS work after speakers for the morning’s march. As I saw Louise on the stage she gave me a thumbs up meaning I was able to get the interview.

Mary Robinson is the women sitting wearing the pink shirt.

As I was waiting I was standing beside Carolyn Bennett (sp?) Who is a liberal MP and a former Minister of Public Health, and a physician and thought, “Oh what the hell!”

I turned to here and introduced myself, “Hi I’m Brian Finch and the Ontario HIV Treatment Network is following for a documentary through out the conference, would you mind if I asked you a couple questions?”

So there I was, in a full-fledged interview with Carolyn Bennett, also an aspiring Liberal leadership candidate for the leadership convention in the fall.

I returned in time to get to the opening plenary, as I wanted to hear Louise give her speech. Now this conference has been organized in a way, in my view, with no consideration for people with HIV, and this was pretty evident this morning. The one panelist with AIDS, left to the last, then they start a little late, and when Louise is speaking after one little notice that time was coming to an end, they SHUT HER DOWN, microphone, slides and all. This is when several thousand of us got onto our feet and started shouting,

“LET HER SPEAK, LET HER SPEAK! LET HER SPEAK, LET HER SPEAK! LET HER SPEAK, LET HER SPEAK! LET HER SPEAK, LET HER SPEAK! LET HER SPEAK, LET HER SPEAK!”

Finally, her mike was on, and she was back on the screens. The organizers wanted to get her off the stage because Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were going to be the next session.

Louise held her ground, and we in the audience made it quite clear that Bill and Bill will simply have to wait.

There is something ironic about cutting off a women with AIDS speaking about the lack of power that has to be addressed in gender in equality so that one of the richest white men in the world, Bill Gates, and a former American President can have their turn on stage.

It was an amazing moment.

More conference news on the way!

Tickets for Tomorrow Night

2006-08-12T16:25:00.000-07:00

AIDS 2006 BENEFIT CONCERT - SPECIAL RATE ON TICKETS

For persons who are not already Conference delegates or Concert ticket
holders, we have just negotiated a special rate for you, your family
and
friends to attend what is being billed as the biggest concert event of
the
summer. On August 13th, the official Opening Concert of the XVI
International AIDS Conference will take place at the Rogers Centre.

You are invited to attend this once in a life time event featuring
special
guests Bill and Melinda Gates, Richard Gere, and Alicia Keys with
musical
performances by DJ Tiesto, Chantal Kreviazuk, Amanda Marshall. Our Lady
Peace, The Barenaked Ladies and the Blue Man Group just to name a few.

Tickets are going fast so don't miss out on the event of the summer!
Your
special promotion code entitles you to a savings of 20% of the ticket
prices.

Simply go to http://www.ticketmaster.ca/event/10003CEE73102E45 or call
ticket master at 416 870 8000 and enter promotional code PW813.

Thank you for your continued support.

Tickets are available at Ticketmaster at 416-870-8000 or visit
http://www.ticketmaster.ca/event/10003CEE73102E45.

Guardian Angels and Full-Blown AIDS

2006-08-12T16:07:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been nuts. I’ve been doing interview about the release of Prezista (Hi Pam!) for a few newspapers, and my quotes have gone out on the wire through the press release.

Then I’ve been filming for the documentary last Thursday, the day the press release went out on Prezista. On top of it, I was arranging for 750 pillow cases to get shipped to my Co-op, and then in the evening we had a volunteer night to get packages, banners etc ready for Monday mornings Women & Girls March.

Then yesterday, I began work on the stencils for these pillowcases. I soon realized this project is a lot like moving. When you look around you say to yourself, “Hey this won’t be too much work.” And, then you dive in to the point of no return and realize that this is a shit load of work about which I must have been in denial.

By noon, I only had one stencil done; my fingers were killing from cutting out the letters. I knew that Diane, the co-op manager where I live said she’d get a few people to help. I thought, ok, maybe there would be four of us. Soon, I began to freak out, I literally wanted to cry. I went downstairs at the time I said we’d start and met about five people standing around. “Are you here to help on something?” I ask. The five nodded their head in affirmation.

Next thing I know Diane comes out, she has it all set up. Paid co-op staff and volunteers began to work. I couldn’t believe it. I went back upstairs and had a nap as I was exhausted, upon returning there were 20 people helping out, mothers with their kids, black, white, gay, straight all rallying behind this to get it done. It was an amazing thing to see and another affirmation of what a wonderful place I live.

I’ve called Diane my guardian angel for a long time as she has gone so far out of her way to help me when I have been in times of crisis. These are other stories for future posts.

So once again, my guardian angel rescued me! I was feeling so tired, sick from the meds wondering how the hell am I going to be able to do this. By 8 pm, we had completed the 1000 pillowcases!

So if you live in Canada watch the opening ceremonies tomorrow night on CBC, you will be seeing the fruit of all this labour.

Today, I thought it was going to be relaxing day, but I had to get to Kinkos to make flyers to explain the pillowcases and what to do to hand out before the huge (at least 5000 people) march of the theme of Universal Access to Treatment.

A few trips around to the OHTN and elsewhere we delivered a few pillowcases. Now I am starting to hear a buzz around this demo, so I am stoked!

I left my fellow friend and activist “L” and “E” to register for this conference. I had been hearing that it was insanity and completely disorganized with waits up to four hours. As I got to the convention centre I realized I had forgotten to take my letter of confirmation of payment and registration.

A twenty-five round trip taxi ride later I arrived back at the convention centre to meet up with my friends already in the glacially slow moving line up for a conference that has over 20,000 delegates.

As I return and walk to the entrance I see that they have actually closed the registration until six. I was not happy, and was about to have a case of full-blown AIDS, if you know what I mean. I spoke to one security woman (who was nice but too low on the food chain) then got one supervisor, then another. “Is this how a conference deals with the people that actually have to live with this? I’m not well, I’ve got side affects from starting a shitload of antiretrovirals and this is unacceptable. I am NOT returning at 6 to get in. If I have to, I will waive over that CBC camera crew and reporter that is only 10 feet away for a story about this if I have to!”

Too make this the abridged version of events, not only did I get in, I by passed a huge line up going outside the building and on to the street and was escorted to my friend already waiting in the line.

Most people had to wait well over two hours, some four, and the documentary people spent five hours in a line up to get their media pass. It’s not like this is sudden news that 26,000 people were attending this thing.

Then you have to go to another line up to get your bag. Fortunately, one of my group new that in the south tower there was hardly anyone, so we went there and got our stuff. But, as I am waiting, two guys from Germany are being told that they don’t get conference material and the bags. Do you know what the registration is for this, early 700 + change, and later 11 hundred dollars. I turned to the German fellow and said, “You paid a lot to be here, make a fuss and don’t leave without one!”

I hope they took my advice. So I had my first real Sustiva freak-out meltdown, but hey a full-blown case of AIDS can take you a long way when you want to make a fuss. And I hope those who read this, when I say full blown, I’m not meaning that I was pretending to be something that I was not, but that I was creating a huge scene that I call full blown AIDS.

Now I am going to rest and try to find some energy for the OXFAM event tonight.

A kudos to Peter from TBL for getting a letter to the editor for The Globe and Mail published about our Prime Minister not showing up to this conference.

Duh?

2006-08-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

How much money and time has been spent searching old ladies for nail clippers. Why is it that it never occured to the UK's MI5 and the US Homeland Security that these liquids could be used in such a manner.

This is why we are destined to have another very bad terrorist attact. These guys can only REACT to what they find, and not maybe think of these things before hand?

All this says to me is that I have absolutely NO FAITH in these agencies to protect us.
What else that is so obvious in the world of explosive making that these guys have not figured out yet.

Maybe their retrospective governmnets should send them on some professional development days!

I never one to see another one again.

2006-08-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so over pillow cases! Tomorrow we stencil 1000!Spent the afternoon doing interviews, I'm exhausted.

Where are they now?

2006-08-10T19:57:00.000-07:00

Where are all the people who were crying that Canada is chalked full of terrorists? Why aren't they pounding their fists at how dangerous the UK is? Nope, not a word.

Another example of Republican hypocrisy!

Charity Jerk Off

2006-08-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

Now, I’ve come across the ultimate way to give back. If you have been looking for a way to donate to the cause of HIV/AIDS. Lending a hand is far to cliché to say, but there you go, I just did it! Now this is a way to feel like you are really making a difference in our world, and absolutely ANYONE can do it; well over eighteen.

The thing is, there’s a part of me that says, “I can see myself doing that.” One thing my friend always says who’s known me since I was seventeen is that I do what everyone just thinks about. I’m not sure what’s up with that. I wish I could say it’s some dramatic thing that happened to be because I got HIV, but I’ve been like this long before that ever came into the picture.

I’m an excitement junkie. I freely and clearly admit it. There was something lurking behind the shy demure youth I once was just waiting to come out. Now that I’ve come to that realization and acceptance, I try these days to channel it in a healthier way. Somehow I realized that this was part of whom I am. Instead of trying to stamp it out, I simply need to need to direct it in more healthy directions.

Life feels like a trip, and I love that. Experiencing new and different things really get me excited, in a non rub-myself kind of way. I make choices that always seem to push myself, even when I was at university during 2003-2004, the first year I ended up being the student rep for the translation program. Suddenly I was on a hiring committee along with the professors I spoke to only months ago to get info on the program.

We are moving forward on the pillowcases, and I think today is the last day of relaxation. It all starts to get crazy tomorrow. My friend L. has an early morning interview, then off to speak to some hotel workers thing, while she is doing that I am checking out the art stores for stencils and the things that go with that. Then I get picked up and we both go to some activist space, I believe it’s ACT UP Paris, at the Intercontinental Hotel. I go off in the afternoon to see my doc. Then a birthday BBQ for a friend, conveniently located across the street in the evening.

And the pace is going to only ramp up from there. I am soooo fucking happy that I have a couple friends with nearby hotel rooms, that way I can rest.

So, I’ve officially been selected for that documentary. I kind of got over the idea after I was told there was a “selection process” and that there was so much other stuff to do. But, alas, I am one of the three that will be featured during this, and I think they may want me to try to interview people as well. I’ve never been to one of these fucking things, so I do not know what to expect. Are the pozzies out there going to run in horror of the camera when I’m around? I have no idea. Chances are if they are from not Canada they wont care, and all my activist/colleagues/friends are very used to the camera.

Once again, I’ve turned something that was an event to begin with and just throw myself in the middle of it. Life is too short. Sometimes I listen to people who are really stuck in a rut and they’ve stopped believing that life couldn’t be any different, and I want to somehow infuse the knowledge that you don’t have to settle for a lifetime of eternal “Is that all that there is?” kind of life.

On another note, I’ve been having trouble with my comments, not me per se, but for those who want to leave them. More than once now I’ve heard that he or she is not able to leave a comment, so I’ve put in a pop up window, I have no idea if that will make a difference. Consider it a stab in the dark. Also if you have had a problem leaving a comment here, you may want to let them know and write.

Rapture Ready?

2006-08-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

Here is a little something that was actually reported on CNN, “Rapture Ready” I don’t confess to quite understand it all, nor do I pretend to know exactly what kind of Rapture they are talking about. Given their Biblical links, I highly suspect it wouldn’t fall in line with my version of Rapture of a cock in every orifice and hand, or some gang bang fantasy. But that’s for another posting.

On the Rapture Index, they actually will tell you “prophetically” under each category what their predictions are, such as Russia where “Satanism is reported to be flourishing in Russia.”

I had to go research this statement, “Events in the Middle East are moving closer to the Ezk 38 & 39 prophecy.” They claim to be prophetic on this site, but they come from my school of editing as Ezk is supposed to be Ezek, after a real person.

This pretty much sums it up:

One of the most closely watched developments in the Mid East today is Iran's determination to acquire nuclear weapons capability. Students of prophecy see alarming parallels between this ongoing effort and the prophecies of Ezekiel 38-39, in which God had Ezekiel foretell of a time when a coalition of Moslem [sic] nations, armed and led by Russia and Iran, would attempt to destroy Israel in a surprise attack. To many, Ezekiel seems to describe the use of nuclear weapons in this battle, perhaps against Europe or even the US as well as Russia. Since Russia has been helping Iran build a string of reactors that can produce weapons grade nuclear energy, and since Iran has recently taken a very hard line against Israel, we may be witnessing the build-up to this coming battle.

Well then, what’s a girl to do? Go to the message boards and see what the people are saying.
___________________________________________________________________
Do you think we are beginning to see Ezek 38 and 39 unfold? [merged]
Gosh!!! Things are happening at break neck speed it seems!

Here we (my dh & I) are making plans to move to the east coast and we might not even have to move after all.

I say, come quickly Lord!!!!

(Miss RV prefers edging, nothing worse that a saviour with a premature ejaculation problem.)
_______________________________________________________________________
I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.---Psalm 13:6 (NKJV)

“The dearest friend on earth is a mere shadow compared to Jesus Christ.”---Oswald Chambers

You can't stop, drop, and roll in hell.

(I beg to differ, has anyone ever scientifically proven that our little old lady cannot “Stop, Drop and Roll!” Bollocks I say.)

_______________________________________________________________________

Not yet, IMHO. When Russia starts marching forward towards Israel, well, that's when I'll be !

I want to hear what Russia has to say about this whole thing. Maybe we'll be raptured shortly after they start moving south. Who knows? Things could still die down - even though I don't think they will.

How can anyone doubt the authenticity of God's Word these days?

(Well, Miss Retro Virus very much doubts the authenticity of god’s word these days. I think that god freaks are really Tina freaks whose gotten way too tweaked out and paranoid for their own good!)
________________________________________________________________________

This led Miss Retro Virus to ask the question “What the fuck do they mean by Rapture?”

Well, The Final Frontier knows:

RAPARE (Latin) = To SNATCH (Str8 guys and lesbians might actually find RAPARE in a different kind of snatch)

God reserves His wrath for His enemies!

Nahum 1: 2-3: god is jealous, and the lord avenges; the lord avenges and is furious. The lord will take vengeance on His adversaries, and He reserves wrath for His enemies; The lord is slow to anger and great in power, and will not at all acquit the wicked. The lord has His way in the whirlwind and in the storm, and the clouds are the dust of His feet.

Have the moronic religious right of the US infiltrated the media so far that now we are actually getting reports on the Rapture Index as a serious report?

So I guess the rapture is the name of the after-party of all the remaining gloating christains while we take a vacation down south.

God, what a boring, uninspiring and uniform world would we have left? To be frank, if the world were rid of all the fags, the world truly would experience an armageddon.

All I see are a bunch of desperate people who even more desperately need to be told how to live their lives, and have about as much compassion for the fellow citizen as the terrorists do who behead their captives, because, if you don’t follow this authoritarian world view then your deserve to die.

Aren’t these guys such kind folks? They were ones that were proclaiming that my life had no value and I deserved to die back in the 80s, and I’m sure they still believe it now. Well, the jokes on them, Satan and Science has conspired to keep us heathens alive! Miss RV sticks a big tongue out (back off lesbians) at them all!

In my view, they are no better then the Nazi’s who murdered the Jews, gays and gypsies, and anyone else that didn’t fit their Eugenic philosophy of state building.

It’s really a shame that we, humans, have to be programmed for this religious non-sense. The world would be a much better place, and a much more peaceful one.

Here are some Godless Google Images I found using the keyword Godless:

Honest Ed's

2006-08-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, L. and I went pillow case shopping. Where does one go for cheap pillow cases on a Sunday of a long weekend in Toronto? Why, Honest Ed’s of course.

So for those who do not know Honest Ed’s, it is an institution here, and this store that takes up a city block, maybe two, and is housed in two buildings connected by a bridge. The outside of the building is covered in thousands of flashing lights that light up the area. This one photo only shows the one building. Covered on it are these really cheesy sayings such as:

In the basement there is some sort of immigration services, post office, and a hairstylist shop that specializes in doing cheap old lady sets.

Here is a sample of some of the exciting merchandise available. I know this will make so many people. In case you ever wondered where Jesus was, you can find him at Honest Ed’s in great quantity.

L and I go upstairs and finally find the pillowcases for 1.99 each. Looking at bit pile of cases of all colours we start to take out the white pillowcases and folding them. At the point that I’ve done about thirty, this old man comes up to me and tell me to save some of the pillow cases for him as I am counting how many I’ve got. I nicely tell him that right behind him, where there the pile of cases were, he could get some.

Then he just stands there watching me count the pillowcases. Now, he’s starting to get on my nerves.

He says to me again, “Save me some pillowcases.” To which I replied in the exact same way pointing to the pile of pillow cases.

“No, I want those.” pointing to the ones I had just folded.

“No, I just folded those, go get your own.”

“I want those ones!”

“NO NO NO!” I yell back. “You can fold your own cases, so go on, get out of here!”

I then grabbed my stack of pillow cases and went over to L. and put them down and continued counting over by here.

As the old man walks away he mumbles, “I don’t know why you need so many god damn pillow cases”

At this point, while folding, L and I just look at each other and roll our eyes. Now, I am off to try to find a manager to see if we can get a discount as we are taking ALL the white pillowcases, and some had stains and shit on them and would never sell otherwise.

I found this sign while looking for images for this post:

This sign appears to be quite serious. Dollar store workers look like they’ve all been on Prozac for years compared to the demeanor of the staff at this place. They clearly do have problems of their own.

Two-hundred and fifty-three pillow cases later, and a few conversations with people as to why we were taking all the white pillow cases later, we arrive to the cash with about five of the Honest Ed’s shopping bags full.

Well, let me tell you. If you ever really want to piss off an Honest Ed’s cashier, try to buy 253 pillowcases. She was very unhappy. Meanwhile the only two other cashes are getting backed up. The supervisor, with whom I had the pleasure of talking about the discount (answer: NO! mixed with a look of fuck off) was one cash over helping bag all the nickel and dime sales when she could have come over and helped count the pillow cases. I can see why this cashier would be pissed.

What was funny was when someone would line up behind us, clearly seeing that we had a lot of pillow cases and this was going to take a few mins to deal with, I’d start to hear impatient huffing and puffing. Then don’t stand behind us then? Do you go to the grocery store, line up behind someone with a cart overflowing with food and then start acting in a passive aggressive manner to display your displeasure in waiting?

The only thing that came out of the cashier’s mouth was, “What do you need all these for?”

L. say, “We planning on having a demonstration against the Prime Minister of Canada.”

All we got back was a cross between a humpff sound and a snarl. That’s when this lovely women behind us started chatting and we were having a great time.

After we bought our 500 dollars worth of pillowcases, we left the store. Moments later the nice women with whom we chatted while miss cuntier, oops I mean cashier came up to us on the street. “You’d think you just ruined that woman’s life! All she did was snarl at me too.”

We had a good laugh about it on the street and told her to look out for the pillowcases on the news.

Now we just have to get about 750 more, for a min of 1000 cases, and then we have to write Where’s Steve? Or Sleep in Steve? This has yet to be determined.

You know you're feeling better when.....

2006-08-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

your writing a post with a downloaded porn clip going on and typing away with a hardon.
I must say, I've even jerked off over the course of the last couple of days. Of course this clip off of Tom@Paris is rather distracting but what the hell.

I'll live blog you through my erectile state.

Today, I am off shoppping for pillow cases. Why, you might ask? Well, since our fabulous Prime Minister is not showing up to the International AIDS Conference here in Toronto, just when stats are showing the infection is on the increase in this country, and not ONE pill from the Jean Chretien Pledge To Africa Act has gone to Africa.

We seem to be great at saying all the right stuff, but absolute no follow through. Should I be surprised.

Ok. Pause, the guy who just got caught from shoplifting is getting the bone. Hmmm, I think I need to go steal something.

So, back to the pillow cases. SInce our PM is not showing up, we are going to get a bunch of pillow cases to write on "Steve Slept In?" to all hold up while out Minister of Health, his proxy trys to speak at the opening plenary. Now don't quote me on the what exactly will be written, but you get the idea.

We've also hired a postering company to go around and poster "Where's Steve?" posters. And also, there are going to be lots of demonstrations about the safe injection site in Vancouver, which has been very successful, as the word is our fucking conservatives are not going to renew this internationaly recognized project.

It seems they rather have people on the street committing crimes, sharing needles and along with it potentially HIV and Hep C, and the all round saftey of that neighborhood.

I guess if you shoot up then you accept the consquences, and should die.

It's going to be an interesting week.

And I may just take my laptop with me, and do a little of Joe's "live blogging," however, I think the social relevance will be a bit more up there than drug induced visions of tribal behaviour at a fetish/circuit party.